#im calm let me look at the devastating scene

[rianafying]

journal entry time i guess

idk what i said in my last journal entry or how much of my chaotic life my journal is up to date with, but i’ve started earning a little more than i used to and things have been nice. going pretty smoothly. which is pretty shocking, considering how incompetent and inconsistent i am prone to being. i’ve been calm. i did have a full on panic attack this morning, but i did the steps and went back to normal in a few hours. i bought some cornflakes for myself as a treat. i wanted to get cinnamon toast crunch but they don’t have that at woolies, and the closest thing they have is cinni churros (mini churros dusted w cinnamon sugar), i’ve had them before and they’re good but they’re expensive, so i just got the honey nut cornflakes. oh here’s a thing, in bangladesh, cereal in general is called cornflakes regardless of whether it is actually flaked corn or not. obviously not in every family, but in mine and many other i know, this is the case. and by far the most popular cereal option is kellogg’s chocos. but i’m not a chocolate girl, so actual corn flakes for me thanks. (only second to cinnamon toast crunch, whatever that is made out of, toast? crunch? is it made out of crunch??)

i went on a walk like i have been doing everyday lately, just got home and i’m excited to take a shower and have a bowl of my good stuff. super excited. after that, i’ll prep for tomorrow’s shoot. but it’s in the evening so i’m not too stressed out. and it’s just one model and one outfit. so all good.

i have that stupid ass crush on this person that i spoke to once and now im posting stories on MESSENGER? trying to get their attention, it’s so dumb im. there is no excuse or explanation for this it’s pure pathetic. but i can’t stop thinking about this person. what do i even want out of this? nothing. because i don’t even like myself enough to let someone else like me. and they probably don’t even like me. which is fine. it’s fiiiiiiiiine. it’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

don’t they know it’s the end of the world. anyway, for some reason i think the movie of my life end this year. i’m not gonna do anything, but it feels that way, like, the credits are about to roll after the melancholy christmas scene. it just weirdly makes sense. that i won’t make it to next year. you know when a horrible death is juxtaposed with a nice new year’s eve kind of song or like the ending credits kind of song. i’m thinking of “the end of the world” by skeeter davis, but im not married to it.

i’m tired of it all actually. i’m tired of everything. i’m not devastated though. but i feel like im just done.

my journal entries are not supposed to make sense, and so they won’t. i’m literally writing it as i’m waiting for my scalp medicine to do its thing. my psoriasis has been completely out of control, and i’ve stopped trying to control it. i just go through the motions, i put on my medicines and oils when i can, and i do my homework, when i can, i wake up i do my chores and i go to sleep. and even at my happiest, i don’t think it’s worth it. i’m getting older, and i knew i’d be doing this by myself, and i know it’s not changing, ever.

maybe i’m just not that good at anything, and im fine with that, just let me step aside, i don’t want to participate anymore. i just want to get away. i want to stop. things are getting better and even in the scenario that everything works out as i hoped, i still don’t want it. what do i want? i don’t even want to read books or watch movies. but i still do. because that’s what i’m supposed to. i don’t even care anymore. i can’t think of something i care enough about. enough to stick around. i don’t know why or how my journal took this turn i thought i was doing fine but looks like im kind of not doing that well.

i’m so tired. i’m so so tired, please. but i know i’ve been much more tired before and i still was okay. so i’ll be okay. i will. but. i’m so tired. i took that test and i scored 100% on positivity and 5% on happiness. and that checks out. i’m not ungrateful, but im not necessarily happy. but i don’t like to let people know im not happy. because they take it as a chance to point out my flaws or to give unsolicited advice. i don’t even care. m

i’m just a little overwhelmed. maybe i need to stop trying to be okay all the time and actually go through the emotions instead of pretending they’re not there. i can’t be numb forever.

maybe i need to just feel super sad tonight and not do anything. i really feel like binge eating. i’ve been kind of doing that recently. not really full on binging but eating more than i *need* to. which i can’t afford to do for too long. i’m just scared of letting food go bad and of idk, not having food, because that does happen to me on weeks when there are surprise expenses. but it’s not as bad as it sounds, i don’t even eat that much regularly.

IM SO DISTRACTED. i’m so distracted and i can feel my heart beating faster than it should even though i am in bed trying to RELAX. idk what is wrong with me. things are no where near perfect but i am doing much better than i was a couple of months ago, better than last year, better than any year before. i think.

but i wish i was doing better than i am now. nothing too crazy, i wish i had the time, money and energy to properly clean and decorate my room. and to be able to pause worrying about bills and food constantly. hopefully ill figure out how to do things better so im a step above just making ends meet. things are actually good and getting obviously better, then why am i still so upset? why do i complain so much? i just feel like ranting and ranting and ranting because im avoiding the things i should actually be doing. such as cleaning and homework. but i have such a hard time getting started. what with adhd and all. and i cant believe i posted a story on facebook after so many years just so some random stranger will give me attention, what’s that gonna do? nothing!!!

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i just can’t do it, i can’t do things. i can’t do anything. I just watched 3 episodes of rory in yale and im in uni right now!!! isn’t that crazy? i’m living that life! i moved out, i live in my room which isn’t exactly a dorm room but it’s a unilodge so it’s close enough, and then what? i just feel like crying and i don’t even know why???? i’m not even that lonely, like i talk to my cousins and my friends all the time. i’m caught up with people, i meet people all the time, i participate in activities. i’m doing my best, i got 85-97% in all my assignments this trimester, and i just have two little assignments and an exam to go before my holidays start. but then the real difficult thing will begin. which is cleaning my room, which is the most godawful task to have ever been invented. but i’ll do it, and it’ll be hard and tiring and lengthy, and then what? do i get to enjoy myself? no i have to get a fucking job in hospitality or something, and earn extra money during my break. why does my scalp literally hurt. oh right because i have a severe chronic autoimmune disorder that makes my whole body flare up and makes my nails hurt. i love life 😍.

no but seriously, of all the things that could go wrong, psoriasis is still easy mode. i’m grateful. i’m very very grateful. you know what, it doesn’t really feel like i have the worst combination of problems like it used to feel before. like my eating disorder is kind of under control. so is my anxiety and depression. like it’s all still there but it’s not that bad? is it time for me to come to terms with the fact that the person i have a crush on is never going to text me again? but isn’t that nice? like isn’t that ideal? isn’t that literally what i wanted/want? it is actually. i think i just need some validation. it’s crazy how i end up wanting more validation when im on social media vs when i’m off of it for months. maybe after my trimester ends, i’ll get off of social media or figure out a solid plan to stick to that ensures i don’t spend too much time on socials, because it not only eats up my day but also makes me feel awful about myself.

it’s crazy how out of touch with my feelings and myself i get when im on social media. it’s decided then. i will severely limit my social media usage during my holidays. actually starting now. that’s one thing. and i’ve started walking regularly again, so that’s also good. what else, i go to therapy regularly, and i am journaling. i’m managing my money better? i’m doing the best i can. i’ve been emotionally self sufficient. i’ve been self aware and i have not been doing that bad. i’m being kind and forgiving to myself and to everyone else as well. i’m a better person now than i used to be, not necessarily in terms of intentions, but more in terms of consequences of my actions. but also because i’ve simply had the energy to do more for myself and for others. can’t fill their cup if my own is empty. things are good. i need to do something about my mood swings. this person i was talking to said to take cold showers to feel better and i would rather pour vinegar into my eyes than do that. but maybe i could give it a try. no i absolutely couldn’t. even the thought of it is jarring.

[cumberbatchedandproud]

@candlewinds (OP) #seon ho every ep like 'i'm a bad b*tch from now on i'm done caring about people' he said caringly as he cared @whoisthatmovinginthedark #this is what he was holding in and hiding from everyone #look at his mask crumble #oh no just look at him #he was holding it in for yeon’s sake because that’s what he does #but in reality he feels so much #seon ho my beloved @boogiesheep #the way he always keeps his cool until hwi is involved #then all logic flies out the window @itsza #THE FUCKING WAY HE KEEPS TRYING TO HOLD BACK AND NOT APPEAR AFFECTED #BUT HE CAN'T #BECAUSE HWI IS ALIVE AND HE THOUGHT HWI WAS DEAD AND HE THOUGHT HE'D FAILED HIS FRIEND AND LOST HIM AND FAILED YEON TOO #he dares let himself hope here @bienmoreau #absolutely with you in the prev tags. im going insane over him. always. but specifically right now over this!! #he has crafted his mask with such dedication but the MOMENT there is the possibility that hwi is alive it all crumbles. #it breaks him open right down to his bleeding heart cause thats who he is. that always who hes going to be under all the armour & pretence #wdh owns my funking soul for what he did in this show @ithacanradio #insane that realizing hwi is alive hits him more than thinking he died #like he truly hanged on just for yeons sake #and the moment they tell him his best friend is alive all his carefully constructed composure and smiles fall in the face of relief @nubreed73 This bodies me EVERY TIME. Absolutely superb acting choices here. The way his face CRUMBLES INTO DUST. DEVASTATING. (Also not over @idrilka pointing out to me that when they're tied up in the barn that he calls Hwi "Hwi-ya") Bromance my ASS. Hwi is still Seon-ho's everything and always will be and nothing will ever convince me otherwise. @valarinde #the power this single scene has over me is unreal. acting…. acting.. #fuck . his face @mctna #I CANNOT BELEISVEEEEEEEEEE HIS FACE THE EXPRESSIONS THE WMOTIONS OH GOD @kanronotatsu #his face journey here #he deserves an award just for this @wack-overflow #the face journey to end all face journeys @lwjesbian #WHERE are his awards for this scene are you JOKING !!?.??.?.?.?.!?..?? he is so ……. #has no right to look so broken and relieved and scared and . and … #ahhhgrggrghgghhgah!!!!! #the way he calms down a little right before he asks ‘is he alive?’ @vyinter #woo do hwan's acting workshop on cryearning (crying+yearning) @evakant #WHERE are his awards #WHERE ARE THEY????? #ACTING #fuck!!! #op...... op! #oh op!!!!!!!! #speechless #he is so powerful

Did something happen to Hwi?

[demolition-lovers-blog]

Finally found you

Part 1

Vampire Harry x reader

Angst * Smut * Fluff*

“Im sorry” that’s all she could say over and over again with tears in her eyes. Y/n looked at her something close to a laugh bubbled up in her throat. Standing here looking at someone she had known her entire life, someone until now she trusted completely. Someone she always had her back and realizing now how she stupidly thought had hers in return. As y/n stood there taking in the scene before her, stunned into silence. She quickly realized that someone has stayed silent not saying a word. Y/n turned her head eyes shooting daggers to cover up the hurt. There he sat on the bed their bed eyes pleading her but she didn’t know with what, to forgive him? To leave so he could finish fucking her best friend of over 15 years. “Y/n” Ashley called your name quietly. You turn on her so fast that she looks scared an steps back. “This isn’t what it looks like.” Before she can continue you cut her off “oh it’s not cause it sure looks like you were jumping up and down on MY boyfriends dick and moaning. Exactly what part of that wasn’t exactly what it looks like?”

“Baby” Justin finally goes to speak to you. “Don’t” you shout “Don’t you ever call me that again you piece of shit.” Y/n scoffed as he actually had the nerve to look hurt at your comment. You turn back to Ashley “Go on I want to know what part wasn’t what it looked like?” She swallows hard “I came over to see you cause Derek broke up with me I caught him cheating, and I came to see you but you weren’t here so Justin said I could wait. I was hurt by what he did to me, then I starting drinking and I don’t know what happened.” Y/n saw red before she could even think what she was doing she lunged at her, she wanted to hurt her. Y/n tackled her an was throwing every word she could think of “slut” “whore” “fucking bitch”

She thinks she got 1 or 2 punches to the stunned girls face when she was pulled off by strong arms lifting her up. She was about to scratch out Justin’s eyes for even touching her when she noticed him still on the bed looking shocked.

“Love, calm down. They aren’t worth this.” In her rage it took her a second to figure out the voice “Harry” she asked breathing hard from attacking her friend well ex friend. “Why are you here” she was confused Harry lived in the apartment next door to her, her mind spinning. “ I guess you forgot to close your door when everything happened I could hear the fighting thru the walls and I decided to come an make sure you were ok,” he sighed. “Looks like I got here just in time.” He shook his head looking at the situation you were in. Ashley let’s out a little sob, an you know it’s only to get Harry’s attention she always had a crush on your older neighbor.

This sends you back into attack mode. “You came here to cry to me because you caught your boyfriend cheating on you, an then dumps you so you figured you would make me feel as bad as you by being as low and completely dirty, you fucking whore, Harry please let me go I need to to hurt her.” Harry let out a small chuckle “I can’t let you do that love, I don’t want to have to bail you out of jail.” He was still holding you arms around your waist keeping your back to his front. You can feel his head turn and look towards your bed. “Got nothing to say for your actions Justin?” He asked the boy sitting on the bed.

For the first time during this altercation he seems to try to grow some balls “You need to leave Harry this has nothing to do with you.” You choke on a scream “You ask Harry to leave but not the whore you were fucking.” This time Ashley had the nerve to look wounded, what the hell was going on were you in the twilight zone where these two actually thought that they were somehow the victims in this.

Harry slowly turns you around an for the first time sees your face, he thinks he actually feels his heart crack, because right there under the anger and rage he saw the absolute heartbreaking devastation in your eyes, that you were holding on to the anger cause with out it you would breakdown pathetically in front of the last to people on earth you would want to see it. He gives you a small smile “why don’t you pack a bag yeah? Get everything you’ll need for a few days an you come stay with me ok.”

Justin starts to protest, but one look from Harry an he shuts up. “Ok” you whisper and nod at Harry. You here Ashley try to defend what went on here to Harry, but she is quickly cut off when Harry says “ya know I never liked you, always thought you looked like a snake. Guess I was right wouldn’t you say so love?” You heard a sob fall from her mouth she was more upset over what your neighbor had said to her then that she just had destroyed your 15 year friendship.

Justin starts to speak to you as you get your things together “ Your gonna go stay with him, you don’t even know who he really is or what he even does. Don’t you think it’s fucking strange we never saw him during the day? He could be a murderer.” Harry laughs loudly at this. You spin to look at Justin “I still feel safer with him then I do you.” You continue to gather up the last of your things. “This apartment is in my name y/n if you leave I’ll make sure you aren’t allowed back.” You just shake your head and look at Harry who says “Then I guess we better get all your stuff now doll.” As devastated as you are a small smile plays on your lips at his words and Justin’s obvious ploy to try to get you to stay blow up in his face.

“This everything love?” Harry asked softly. You nod, as you were about to start to walk away you stopped an looked back at the 2 people you had considered the most important people in your life. “You know it says everything I didn’t get to ask just by the fact that your still here, Ashley. You want to be here with him and he obviously wants you here, you deserve each other, your nothing but back stabbing lairs and I know in the end karma will get you both.” Justin jumps up “Your gonna be sorry y/n.” You assume referring to you leaving. You shake your head “Trust me I’m already sorry, sorry I ever met you and made a place for you in my heart an in my life so your right I’m so very sorry for believing in you.”

Harry had just returned to your apartment after bringing your things to his. You are staring at the floor when he grabs your chin gently with his thumb and forefinger he smiles softly down at you. “You ready to go sweetheart?” You nod an with that he puts his arm around your shoulders and tugs you close to his side and walks you out of your apartment shouting the door silently.

You step into Harry’s apartment and set your backpack down an that’s when no longer being able to keep it together you slide down the wall and sob.

(Harry’s POV)

Maybe this wasn’t his smartest idea, he tried to spend his time with like people, an that meant other vampires. Harry was fine with being a vampire he had come to terms with it centuries ago. He usually only dated other vampires an try to avoid humans when he could, but from the first time that he saw his neighbor he felt pulled to her, he had no clue why, Her door wasn’t open tonight but with his hearing amplifier so much more then the humans he heard what was going on and when it sounded like someone was fighting he had decided he waited long enough and went to find out what was going on. He will admit it took him back a second when he saw his sweet little neighbor punching her best friend in the face. He snapped himself out of it to grab y/n off of her. He heard everything that had happened and couldn’t say he blamed her for wanting to “beat the living shit out of her” he remembers you saying.

He started to walk towards the spare room when he heard her anguish cry and dropped the bags to go to her.

You just remember strong hands lifting you bridal style and clutching you to their chest “ it’s gonna be ok sweetheart, I promise it will get easier” he says rocking her in chest. That’s the last thing she remembers before falling into an exhausted sleep.

Harry lays her down on the bed and removes her shoes and covers her with a blanket, he bends down to tenderly kiss her temple. “ it will be ok daring,I’ll help you feel like you are worth more then that stupid boy ever could.” Harry walked out of the bedroom and down the hall to his own room. He wonders how will he hide who he really is from you? Does he even want to hide it? How will she react when she knows what he really is. He smiled as he thought of the pretty girl just down the hall.

Harry realized how hungry he was, he figured he could sneak out real quick an an be back home before she got up.

[tender-rosiey]

hey dear (yeah im deffo addicted to your writing) just checking on you i hope your doing good and taking care of yourself. I would also like to drop a one shot request of Chuuya falling for mori's god-daughter (also an executive) who has an ability which allows her to summon and control demons while singing but she ends up getting captured and goes missing for 2 years then one day they find her and he confesses to her after she gets rescued (rlly fluffy). thanks in advance love Safiyah <33

❥—Cassiopeia 

❥—Chuuya Nakahara x Reader 

❥—Fluff 

ᴀ/ɴ: i am glad you enjoy my writing and i hope you are doing great as well; hopefully you like this one too 🥺💘 also let this cure your hearts after the last one- also the chant is inspired by Obey me ❣️

“Chuuya, I would like for you to meet my daughter.”

Right then a beautiful and fair lady came out of the door. Chuuya beweildered by her beauty went silent; such a beautiful creature existed?

“Y/N, meet Chuuya; he is one of the best executives here!” Mori introduced you smiling, to which you wave your hand to the ginger and smiled warmly “Hey Chuuya! Pleasure meeting you.” Chuuya smiled shyly and waved back “S-same here..”

Mori then smirked and questioned “Chuuya what’s the matter? You seem rather uncollected.” The said male waved his hand around in denial as he was stopped by a giggle from the lady beside him. “You are quite cute; I hope we get to know each other more.” You said before exiting for your mission.

Chuuya let out a sigh of relief putting his hands on his knees as blush crept onto his face. He made a total and utter fool out of himself; Isn’t he the strongest executive? Why was he so damn shy around you? The thought started clouding his mind until Mori snapped him out of his daze and asked “Are you perhaps interested in Y/N, Chuuya?”

Damn right he is. You were so sweet and kind and that just hit bullseye in his heart. Ever since then he would take almost any opportunity to be with you and talk with you. You were slowly getting to know each other better.

You have been together through tears and giggles and pain and sniffles. He knows you deeply and you know him just as well. After all 3 years of friendship isn’t a minuscule period of time; there multiple moments he had seen you in that made just how much of a wonderful person you are even clearer.

You got along with everyone.

Akutagawa, you both were like best friends and would tell each other everything. You were one of the few he accepted help or their company and you were always a great duo in battle.

Kouyou, the woman that took him in adores you. What more could he ask for? Kouyou helped you and guided in your times of unknowing what to do and how to do it. You were sisters and she valued you deeply, she would always hang out with you and talk with you about anything and everything.

Mori, the man who you addressed as your father. Despite Mori not being biologically him but he treated you as such, as if you were his daughter. He gave you all his love and made you feel appreciated and took care of you.

Seeing your kindness towards your allies Chuuya was dazzled, how could someone so sweet and kind be in the Mafia? His thoughts were completely erased when he saw you in battle.

Multiple screams, all saying the same thing “Beware of the Port Mafia’s devil!” Chuuya was wondering about who are they referring to, was it him? He suddenly heard someone singing behind him.

“Hear me, denizens of darkness, you who are born of shadow and you who give birth to it. Hear me and do as I command! I, Y/N, call upon you to send forth one of your number! I summon the demons of chanting despair!”

That voice, it sounded so angelic but the words were venomous. He turned around to be met with the sight of you floating, eyes glowing purple as demons from around you rose from the earth and attacked all the men in front of him.

‘Woah..’ He couldn’t be more in love. Your elegant movement while fighting were a sight to behold. Your voice was enchanting yet deadly, he would be grateful if it was the last thing he heard before his death.

He loved how there was a total difference between the way you treat your peers and your enemies. Did he really deserve if your feelings were mutual? It was new for Chuuya to doubt himself. But there wasn’t any route to choose when his heart now belonged to no one but you and that made him helpless before you.

“Look at the stars, Chuuya !” Right, you loved looking at constellations, and he loved how the stars shined and danced in your eyes as if they were their ball room.

He looked up and saw a weird look star, maybe a constellation? He then pointed at it and asked “Y/N, what constellation is that?” You smiled brightly before answering “That’s Cassiopeia! It represents love.” You then turned to the ginger finding him close to you and somehow both of you involuntary moved closer, slowly about to close the gap between you.

“Hello Y/N.” You both jumped and looked at the owner of the voice to see that it’s Mori. Chuuya saying every cuss word in his mind while you both were as red as roses, however Mori was grinning mischievously. It’s nice being a party pooper at times.

However that’s all in the past.

 Now you were gone, no one knew where you were taken and if you were even still alive. 2 years too long for the ginger, too long because of his suffering and sadness through them.

When he first found out you were taken he was devastated and went on searching everywhere with the mafia men; everyone in the Port Mafia was searching for their Y/N.

At the night he found out he couldn’t sleep, and wanted to start the search as soon as possible but days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and then into years. Chuuya was starting to lose hope but still searched. Everyday he thought of you, he would drink wine and anything to wash it all away.

Even now after all what happened and the two years that had passed since then they still didn’t stop searching. He didn’t stop searching.

He was walking down the streets returning back from a mission as he came across a warehouse, it looked rather sketchy so to quiet down his thoughts he entered it and his eyes could not believe what he saw.

You all beaten up and bruised. Body looking as weak as a stick and something to silence your screams and chants on your mouth, his body loved involuntary and hugged you tightly quickly freeing you from the chains that hampered you from fleeing from your misery.

He sent the location to the Port Mafia and now everyone was going to come and make who did this to you pay. He picked you up and as he looked behind him he found Mori with wide eyes barely himself believing that indeed you were alive.

The old man took you from the hands of your savior and inspected your face, those who did this to you will go through hell. “Chuuya take her back.” Mori said sternly and Chuuya nodded, he wasn’t going to let you go out of his sight again.

And there he was with you on a bed, multiple tubes sticking to your skin and a oxygen mask. You looked really weak and pale, but it didn’t stop him from loving you. He loved you even more because you managed to live through that and made it back to him at the end.

Chuuya fell asleep as he was waiting for any sign of your awakening, and you woke up instead adjusting to the light and your surroundings. This wasn’t the dark and frightening warehouse you were in...you were finally saved. After two years of misery you were finally saved.

You looked to your side to find the ginger fast asleep alongside you, you smiled softly and gently played with his hair. Chuuya felt something on his head and slowly woke up to see you pulling your hand away, but he held it tenderly and put it back.

“I have to tell you something when you recover, Y/N.” He said as he was enjoying the feeling of your touch. “Why not now?” You questioned while he looked up at you with a smile and mumbled “because it’s something you need to be told outside of this white chamber.”

And so as time passed you were finally back to how you were. He blindfolded you and led you to a garden and went behind you. “Chuuya where are we?” You wondered while he chuckled and took your blindfold off and said “See for yourself.”

Your eyes were now looking at the garden you last saw Chuuya before your disappearance, but right now there was a picnic set and surrounding it were petals on a shape of a heart and candles lighting up the the space. He then pointed above and looked at you.

 There it was, the constellation of love, Cassiopeia. He placed a hand on his heart and softly said “Love is what I feel for you. Very deep and strong love.” He walked towards you and held your hands between his bringing them up to his lips and placed a light kiss to them.

“I never stopped loving you, and from the moment I saw you took my breath away, you made me the prisoner of love and the poor who seeks for your love and touch. Everything about you is beyond description, I can’t find the words to describe it and I am afraid that it had already eaten me up. I am afraid that now you are the only who can calm the beast of love and adoration that only wants you and won’t accept anyone but you. So will you please give me a chance and let me show you how much love my heart feels towards you?”

A smile made its way into your face and vision getting glossy. You pulled the ginger towards you and connected your lips as gentle as one would touch a flower’s petal. The light of the stars shining on both you, it looked like a scene from a movie.

A portray, a beautiful portray, that could be drawn by millions but never be as beautiful. And Cassiopeia was the witness of their true and never ending love.

“once I believed

love poems were foolish

now I read love poems

just for the sake of it

and yet perhaps I want

to reach a higher state of poetry

I don't know if that's right or wrong

but such a feeling persists anyway

and sometimes irritates me

provoking outrageous desires

once I believed

love poems were foolish

yet now I do nothing

but dream about love“

-from “Exhaustion” by Nakahara Chuuya

copyright © 2020 tender-rosiey

do not copy or plagiarize or you will be reported

[h-doodles]

if u think im done think again!!!!

AND ITS DEVASTATING TO HER BC WOW all the evidence she loves her and yet Helene did not do her the service lf letting her know at LEAST

and you know thats a real fucked up thing to do u know. leaving people behind unknowing the pain you're placing them AFTER you're gone without a word

and Larissa is tempted to just burn it all down out and away bc she's sad and mad and so so hurt

until Wednesday calls and tells her, urges her to PLEASE fucking watch the videos (WHO, HAD TO GET HELP FROM ENID TO CONTACT THE WOMAN BC OFC WEDNESDAY IS STILL TECH ILLITERATE AT THIS POINT)

and its a painful process but to even promise

but she does so anyways

and so starts a video marathon

in which Larissa's just watching how much Helene actually loved their life

how much she loved their kids & the school

their little rituals from morning and night

the bad times she's had tryig out new stuff while Larissa was working at the school

the joy of getting the recipe right and a mini ramble of how she's abt to go to nevermore so her wife could try it

THE MINIVLOGS WITH THE KIDS!!!!!!

walking around Jericho & spending the days in the shops

A mini vlog abt gardening and her with Marilyn, bitching about this one (1) plant nursery in town who wasn't taking care of the plants they're trying to sell properly

Helene's vlog with Eli about their past

...Helene, alone, in tears, but monotonously saying the diagnosis

...the decline of her health, but still her spirits up bc of love & concern

neverending praise and support and kind words for Larissa

wishing whatever's the thing haunting the woods would just be gone while simultaneously not wanting to bc she's scared to reveal the truth

.......self made fancam made of their wedding footage & random moments

..................Helene saying she's going to tell her everything today................... before the video cuts and its her packing a bag that fateful day—

AND NOTHING ELSE. Larissa breaks the fuck down, because if she was in her right mind THAT day, maybe she'd have known the truth sooner and had time to accompany her wife in her grief

but no, she fucked that up—

and the front door bangs open, Eli carrying another box

Larissa just looking deadeyed at him, wishing she was just. gone too, for that moment.

"There's more, Larissa."

And her resignedly watching it

and its just scenes of Helene smiling at the camera, sad and full of remorse

full of im sorrys & i love yous

and pure unadulterated grief

and its FUCKING DEVASTATING

but Helene calms herself down and looks

"Larissa, my love. I cannot imagine just how much pain I must be putting you through now, now that I am gone. And I am so sorry, for being selfish enough to cover everything up, and to not allow you the burden of trying to take care of me. And I know, I know you feel that it will stain your conscience forever, but please- Know it never was and NEVER will be your fault. Forgive me, Riss, for I am a fool and a coward, and I cannot think of your face contorted in grief, of your students; our kids—" Helene chokes back a sob, before twisting to her side, coughing harshly. "...I don't want their faces to be in tears, to be involved in this waiting game."

"Oh, you absolute idiot." Larissa whispers.

"Love, being with you was an absolute dream. To wake up cradled in your arms, to be enveloped by your hugs, to be loved so purely, wholely, and SO gently—" Helene wipes her tears away, smiling so SO lovingly. "I'll miss it everyday, now that i'll be without you. I'm sorry, i'm so sorry, I love you so much, Larissa, I'm so sorry—"

"Our love exists, eternal."

"I swore by those words, Larissa, in our wedding vows. But you know, i'm a hypocrite. Because now that I know i'm but hours away—"

"It can't change anything."

"...You're going to scream, and cry, and hurt, my darling. I know you'll have had ripped the papers into two, and thrown it to your fire with anger. And I am so, so very sorry for how I've treated you in my last moments, my love. It was childish and hurtful of me, and no amount of apologies will ever make up for that pain I put you through.

I also know that you'll have watched everything i've left in the box I hid before I ran away from our home, and Eli would've gotten this other box to your door, so you must know this, Larissa Weems— not one moment away from you had diminished my respect and affection, nor my trust, patience, and love. Larissa, you are the one and only love of my short life. You are loved, so so loved, my darling, and you MUST promise that I won't see you here in the afterlife so soon. Please, take care of yourself for me, and for the kids. It's a selfish request, yes, but—"

Helene pauses, her gaze at the camera in an angle that made her look like she was looking straight into Larissa's soul.

"Happiness will come again, Larissa. One day, in the future."

And then she smiles gently, heartbreakingly.

"My only regret is I can't be there to witness it, to be with you, growing old side by side like I vowed to..."

She moves her gaze somewhere off camera, and closes her eyes.

"But it's time."

The video shuts to darkness.

...and to the clear view of the night sky, stars twinkling so brightly. Helene's hard breathing could be heard in the background.

"You may not... be here with me, my love; and you... might be hurting, at the current time... I've shot this moment— but 'Riss... please know... I'll love you... until every star... goes dark..."

:)

boy the sudden outpour of angst ideas for larissa x reader in my brain got me weeping so bad i feel a fever coming on

[j-wont-stop]

The Scarred (Chapter Five)

Title - The Scarred (Chapter Five)

Word Count - 2156

Fandom - Batman: The Dark Knight

Pairing - Ledger!Joker x OC

Summary - Penelope Bishop works at a florist shop in Gotham, barely getting by in the corrupted city. Her life is shrouded by therapy and judgement with little light to find her way with. However, when a certain painted face starts making himself known to her, things take a turn.

Warning(s) - Panic attack, murder, cussing

Inspiration - Cold (Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz)

Masterlist

The vase fell from her hands, the shattering glass echoing through the hall. Penelope’s mind grew petrified as she stared at the card sitting in the mess of glass, water and flowers. She fell back against her door frame, her breathing sharp and fast as she began to hyperventilate. She gripped onto the front of her bra to pull it away from her chest, looking for any kind of relief, any way to find space for her to breathe properly. Yet it did nothing. She knew she was making a scene, and she wanted so badly to hide away in her apartment. But what about the mess? She asked herself amid the chaos. Her heart pounded in her ears, drowning out the ambience around her.

“’Scuse me-?” Penelope shot straight up, eye frantically darting towards the new voice. A tall, slim man stood before her, hands held out in front of him as an offering of peace. “Apologies, I didn’ mean to alarm ye. Are ye alrigh’?” His bright eyes held a gentleness in them, the same as his voice. It was soothing in a way she had never before experienced. It was hardly able to calm her, however, in her panicked state. “Righ’, dumb question…” He mumbled to himself, glancing between Penelope and her welcome mat. “I’ll clean this up righ’ quick fer ye, tha’ alrigh’?” She gave the smallest nod, letting go of her bra to wipe the tears from her face as he disappeared.

She closed her eye, grounding in an attempt to compose herself. Never had she broken down in front of a stranger. And never had she felt more humiliated by it. Her eye snapped back open when she heard the sound of a plastic bag, eyeing the man warily as he walked back to start picking up the glass shards. He noticed how her breathing had only slightly improved, but it was progress.

“Why are you helping me?” The sound of her voice caught him off guard as he continued picking up the pieces.

“Juss doin’ my duty.”

“In Gotham?” The man sighed and looked up at her from where he was crouched on the floor.

“‘Ard as it is to believe, miss, not erryone in this city is a crook.” It wasn’t until then that she noticed his thick accent. It was a surprise to her, however one she greatly accepted. She felt childish for it, but she was excited as it was her first time meeting someone with one. “Ye wann’ keep this?” He asked, holding the Joker card between his index and middle fingers. She hesitated before reaching to grab it. “Now, I’m not all tha’ superstitious,” He stood up with a huff. “But if tha’ is a genuine Joker card, I’d watch out if I were ye. Yer either really lucky, er ‘bout to be really dead.” He noticed the growing fright in her eyes. “Or! Some guy is juss actin’ the maggot and playin’ wit’ ye.”

“People were scared enough to impersonate Batman, I don’t think they’d dare to impersonate The Joker himself.”

“Then pray yer juss really lucky.” He spoke in a softer tone. He began to tie the bag as she continued to carefully watch him. “I don’t believe I’ve caught yer name yet?”

“Penelope.” She paused, taking a deep breath. “Bishop.”

“Penelope?” The name left his lips in curiosity. “Tha’s a new one.” Her eye shifted to the ground. “Bu’ it’s refreshin’.” The man offered her a friendly smile, but her expression remained constant. “Liam Garson. Juss moved in couple a doors down.” He pointed off to his left.

“Why?” He threw her a confused look. “I mean, why Gotham?”

“Oh!” Liam chuckled. “Well, why not? Barely any restrictions with the mob and cops runnin’ ‘round lie’ chickens wit’ their ’eds cut off. Sure, muggers an’ the lie’ crawl abou’, but tha’s the price ye pay fer freedom, righ’?” He contained himself from beaming when she gave the ghost of a smile.

“Well, I see where your morals lie, Mr. Garson.”

“Liam.” He jested. “An’ I may lack some, but I’m better off than over ‘alf the boyos ‘ere.”

“’Boyos’?” Penelope gave a small chuckle.

“Males, juveniles, youngins.” She nodded in understanding. “Well, I’ll let ye be. Juss wanted to check on ye and make sure ye were alrigh’.” He started to back away. “If ye need anythin’, I’m in 329.” With a final salute, he disappeared into his own apartment. Penelope slowly turned around to head into her own, closing her door softly.

She looked down at the card caught in her nimble fingers. She couldn’t help the jolt that rushed through her body when she realized that if it was his card, he knew where she was. He knew who she was. She was somebody to him and she wasn’t sure whether to be flattered or terrified. It made her start to question her own morals. Any other person wouldn’t even think to be flattered, so why would she?

He was a murderer, a psychopath who wanted nothing more than to watch the city burn. And yet she had half a mind to consider being flattered. Really lucky or really dead. Why would she be dead? Had she angered someone without her knowing?

She froze.

“The boss.” She whispered to herself in realization. The bald man worked for The Joker. Which meant he knew where she worked. How much else did he know? Who all knew? How many people were following her? Question after question ran through her head and it was almost unbearable. She didn’t know what she even did to be on his radar in the first place.

“-patrolling the streets trying to trace his whereabouts for the time being, but so far-“ The news anchor’s voice hummed softly from her TV and she practically ran over to it, snatching the remote from the coffee table to turn up the volume.

“Well, John, I think it’s safe to say that The Joker’s escape is truly devastating for the people of Gotham. Not only in the sense that he has escaped, but it gives the chance for other criminals to wreak havoc on the city knowing that Batman will once again be busy with him.” The woman on the other line spoke. Penelope scoffed at her words.

“Way to give them ideas.” She mumbled to herself with a wide eye.

“Let’s just hope that Batman is able to do what he does best, and fast. Cause-“ Penelope switched the TV off, having heard enough of it. It upset her that the city was putting their faith in a masked man, that none of them had the nerve to do something themselves. That they couldn’t even rely on their own first responders. That she couldn’t rely on first responders.

She began to peel off her bandages, dragging her feet towards her bathroom. So much had happened in only a week and it all started to catch up to her, her head starting to pound from it all. The note. The glass. The bald man offering her a large sum of money for just a vase of flowers, finding out he worked for The Joker, finding out The Joker had been tracking her for who knows how long.

Penelope reached into her medicine cabinet for pain killers, deciding on taking two with a glass of water. Finally she laid down on her bed, snuggling up to her great fuzzy blanket with her eyes closed in an attempt to fall asleep. She briefly thought about telling Emma, but if she truly was dealing with The Joker, she wanted her involved as little as possible. For her safety. She thought to herself in reassurance before sleep took over.

———————————————————————

The sounds of rushing water and seagulls filled the air around her, the occasional pair of footsteps passing by that she grew wary of from time to time. The sun began to disappear in the horizon, painting the sky with breathtaking shades of pink and orange on the rare cloudless evening. Music played softly from her phone that sat on one side of her, her dinner left half eaten on the other. Her short legs dangled lightly over the ledge as she watched from the pier. It was almost tradition on warmer nights, seeing it as a rarity. It would’ve been perfect if it wasn’t for the littered concrete and occasional plastic bag that floated by as a reminder of where she was. Along with the gun that clicked from behind her.

“I’d say just jump and save me the work, but then I wouldn’t get your money.” A gruff voice spoke. She didn’t dare move. Didn’t dare turn her head or flinch a finger. Her heart rate picked up, stomach churning. “Well?” The man urged, losing patience.

“I-I don’t have any.”

“How’d you get that nice dinner, then, huh?”

“Been saving up for it.” A lie. The man just chuckled.

“Alright. How about you get off of there, put your hands up, and then face me. Slow.”

“I-I can’t.”

“You can’t?”

“I can’t raise my hands.” She told him as she awkwardly turned around on the ledge.

“Alright, enough talking-“ The man halted, red quickly seeping through his jacket. Blood dribbled down his chin. She watched in horror as he collapsed.

“I agree.” Penelope looked up to see the man who had helped her the day before. He walked around the mugger towards her, bloodied switchblade in hand. When he saw her flinch he slowed his pace, tucking away the weapon to make her more comfortable.

“Y-you just-“ She spoke frantically, pointing towards the now dead body with a shaky hand.

“Killed a man?” She nodded quickly. He tilted his head dismissively. “Aye. The bastard ‘ad it comin’.” She shied away from him as he took a seat next to her, arms folded. “Relax, miss. I juss saved yer life, did I not?” He looked over at her to see her chewing on her cheek.

“Why?”

“‘Why’ what? Why did I do it-?”

“Yes.” He hesitated for a moment.

“Why not?” The man shrugged. “Was either he killed you or I killed ‘im, an’ I wouldn’t dare let such a beautiful woman go to waste lie’ tha’.” Penelope scrunched her nose and scoffed.

“Beautiful woman…” She mumbled to herself. “If you think I’m easily won over by flattery, you’re wrong.”

“With all due respect, miss, I wasn’t talkin’ ‘bout fer meself.” The brunette noticed her eye take on a more gentle stare. He sighed, scratching at his beard.

“Why’re you here?” She asked, rubbing her left arm.

“I could ask ye the same question.” Penelope looked at him quizzically.

“Dinner.” Liam nodded.

“Was on a walk. ‘Eard the ruckus. Came to see what was ‘appenin’.”

“That’s quite a coincidence.”

“Aye. It sure is. A damn good one, if I do say so meself.” Silence fell between the two of them, however it was peaceful. Penelope quite enjoyed it. “If ye don’t mind me askin’,” Liam broke in. “What do ye plan on doin’ wit’ this Joker business? Assumin’ it’s not too late already. I mean, ‘ave ye told anybody?” She shook her head, focusing on her breathing.

“I haven’t.” Penelope swallowed as Liam raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Ye ‘aven’t? Well, why not? Not even the cops?”

“What’ll they do?” She finally looked up at him. “What will they do? You’re the one that was saying yesterday that they’re all running around like chickens with their heads cut off.“ She began to rant, everything starting to catch up to her. Her eye began to glisten as it watered over. “And if they can’t help me, who can? Certainly not Batman!“ She spit the masked man’s name with venom. “They couldn’t even keep him behind bars to keep the city safe! Why the hell would they care to keep The Joker from coming for just a single person, a nobody, from coming for me-!”

“Miss!” Liam held onto her shoulders, keeping her steady. In a moment of desperation, she clung to him, and once again she caught him off guard as she started to break down for the second time. He began to gently stroke her back and sighed. “Ye’ve been dealing wit’ this a while now, ‘aven’t ye?” He spoke just above a whisper and he felt a shift in her head, a confirmation. A van sat in the distance, tinted windows making it impossible to see through. It was cracked enough for him to see who was in it and he made eye contact with a pair of almost pure black eyes, giving them a faint nod.

[diazboys]

your favourite of the tsunami arc episodes?

I tried to figure out what my favourite moments of this entire arc were but I don't know where to start?? It's all so good?

- was it the fact that it basically started with Eddie dragging Buck out of bed cause he knows Buck and knows that getting him out of bed and as far away from the depressive thoughts as he can is exactly what Buck needs?

- was it the "he's hanging out with his Buck today?" because yes, it's Christopher's Buck, Buck belongs with the Diazes and that's a fact

- was it the fact that Buck goes out of his way to make the day enjoyable and fun for Chris? Like Eddie left Chris under his care while he knew Buck wasn't feeling his best - they could just stay in, watch a movie or something. But no, Buck was like - life might be shit for me but I'm gonna spoil this kid rotten and I'm gonna give him the best day ever and take him to the fair and go on every ride with him and win him all the prizes and give him anything he wants, because his happiness is my happiness

- was it the talk Buck and Chris have just before the wave hits? like how Buck doesn't ridicule Chris for saying he wants to become an astronaut or a pirate (which, like, same Chris) but just nods and smiles and then says that if this won't work out he hopes that Chris will find something he loves? and the "You're gonna be okay, kid" which was just the sweetest??

- was it the raw terror and fear on Buck's when the waves separated him from and Christopher for the first time? How tightly he held him and how his first instinct was to make sure that Chris is safe. How - even while in the middle of a fucking tsunami - Buck made sure to save as many lives and help as many people as he could? How he always made sure that Chris is okay, the "we make a great team" and everything?

- (I'm not gonna mention how he jumps after him when Chris falls because fuck)

- was it how Buck would look for Christopher for as long as his feet would hold him and after that he'd crawl if he had to but he'd never give up? how devastated and scared he was?

- was it the moment at the field hospital?? the overwhelming relief that Buck feels when he realises that Christopher is okay? the fact that Christopher kept asking about Buck, not his dad, because he was probably just as worried about his Buck and just as scared? Or the inTENSE STARING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN BUCK AND EDDIE?? how Buck all but collapses, knowing that now Chris is safe and he can let go? How Bobby, Chim and Hen were right there to catch him?

- was it THAT GODDAMN SCENE. YOU KNOW WHICH ONE. "Wait for me to come home" in the background as Eddie and Chris come to Buck? How it comes a full circle, Eddie again being there to drag Buck out of whatever dark hole he was going to bury himself in? How he comes in as if nothing happened, joking and teasing? Not letting Buck think for a second that he lost his and Christopher's trust or their love? "There's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you"??? The staring? I can't.

im sorry, that doesn't answer your question at all and I went a bit off topic 😅 there are just so many good moments (and May being a badass under pressure? And my girl Lena making her first appearance?). But I'm a sucker for happy endings so I'm gonna say my favourite episode is 3x03 "The Searchers" because as the ocean calms down, our poor, tormented hearts calm too as we get that last roundup and also thaT DAMN SCENE.

.

sleepover weekend

[gingergcnius]

some of y'all asked for more quirrell!ghost , so here it is !

most of the flowers that grow in the room are mostly anemones , belledonnas , bittersweet , black eyed susans , columbines , daisies , iris , marigold , pansy , willow , and the newest addition to the room , zinnia .

the zinnias start growing after sybill's appearence , and increases whenever one of the professors or students come to visit and practice magic and quirinus sees they don't have sybill with them . ( or a boy with golden hair , dressed fine from head to toe and the biggest and ' attractive ' smile someone could have )

he likes to watch the students practice in his room , as long as they don't damage what he cannot regrow . ( and it's not like he can stop the tears , his visitors a constant reminder yet like cold water in a hot summer day ) . it reminds him of a faint memory from when he used to be a muggle studies professor .

though he doesn't talk much , he will nod and tilt his head from time to time to show that he is listening to the students , and that he is not ignoring them . ( he will always listen , even if he is floating way up from the ground , curled up into a ball and sobbing his heart out . )

he is the most calm with snape , often the potions professor would drag in a chair , a book under his arm , and he would spend time reading . he insists it's the quiet he seeks , and he is not doing this for the ghost . quirinus is dead , after all . he died a traitor , why should he care if he came back as a pathetic ghost ? is his answer when someone asks . ( he never once speaks those same words when he enters the room )

sybill comes to visit ( both arms trapped in a grip by minerva on one side , Pomona sprout on the other ) weeks after , eyes red and puffy . this time , when quirinus sets his blank eyes on her , no tears come . instead , he reaches for one of the bushes , and plucks a single zinnia and hands it to her . no one aside from pomona reacts , she brings a hand to her eye to wipe away a tear .

sybill keeps the flower in a glass cage , a thick book laid next to it on the table . it's quirrell's book of course .

it took her a long time to dig through the boxes that had collected dust very long ago , having to take small breaks to cry away from them ( these were his , he had cared so much , he would be angry if he learned there were tears on them that left stains . )

filius and Pomona decide that it's an excellent opportunity for further experiences and bring their classes down to quirrell's room from time to time . it gets the ghost to speak , and the students learn new things . it's worth the small smile , the quiet yet excited voice coming from the ghost as he explains the plants , their uses , and how to take care of them . he sometimes corrects students , showing them which way to flick their wand and when to thrust it to cast proper spells . though sometimes he will be far away , hidden in a corner , not even brave enough to face the older students if they decide to bring them here .

( they learn their lesson to avoid bringing the older students , when some , who remember what quirrell had done , reacted terribly and insulted the professor to the point where it took another two weeks before the professor appeared back in the room . and another few weeks before he started responding , stopped crying again and listening to what said to him . )

the first time he truly leaves his room ( the students had decided to call it that , since it was easier , and to avoid suspicion around umbridge ) is a true disaster . it is halfway and a bit after through the year , and a few of the students decide to hide in his room .

at first , he doesn't hear the soft cries of the young girl and two boys because of his own sobs , until she stars sobbing just as loud as him .

curious to why someone young as her would be in such devastating state , he floats up to her . if you were to ask what happened next , he couldn't tell .

one second he was staring at a terrible scar on the back of her hand , and the next he was floating down the corridors of Hogwarts , followed by the pleasing group of three , for him to stop to not do it .

they do not succeed .

the amount of noise they are making , of course attract the attention of the professors , and they are shocked when they see the professor floating through the halls . not a tear in sight , fury visible on his face . he is angry , and you do not get in the way of a pissed ghost . ( not that you can , of course . )

for the first time , his eyes are focused , no longer unseeing .

he doesn't even bother knocking , he goes right through the door , and people hold their breath .

he just crashed Umbridge's lesson .

due to the lack of slammed door , it takes a while until umbridge notices the ghost .

" um . . professor ?— " " i do not remember seeing a raised hand , or me giving you permission to speak , Mr Potter . detention , after class in my offi— "

she gets cut off by a gasp , because glaring down at her is no other than the ghost of quirinus quirrell , the former DADA professor

" no . " his voice echoes in the room .

" p-pardon ? "

" . . i s-said , n o . " this time , his voice is much , much louder . it's the loudest he had ever spoken in months .

" y-you w-will not torture a-any o-of the students ! "

" i don't think a ghost has a say in how i punish my students ! "

a few minutes of silence , and umbridge takes that as a win .

it is not .

it's when a hand lands harshly on her shoulder , and practically throws her around , true panic settles in .

because normal ghosts are not supposed to be able to interact with objects , let alone another human being . and quirrell ? quirrell is inches away from her face , eyes a bright red , and he is not happy .

" do you . . k-k-know how i-i d-died ? i died w-when a d-dark lord p-possessed m-me . i struggled , f-for months , f-fighting a-against him . he punished me t-too . and you . . y-you r-remind me t-too much of Voldemort— " he is cut off when no other than sybill trelawney slams the door open , gasping and wheezing as if she ran a marathon . wide eyes searching until they land on the ghost . only then , she relaxes .

apologizing , she moves over to quirinus , softly talking to him and leading him out of the classroom .

the language of flowers are from a site i looked up , so if they're not accurate i am very sorry . I'm not very good with flowers :

anemone: forsaken , sickness

belledonna: silence

black eyed Susan: justice

bittersweet: truth

columbine: foolishness , folly

red columbine: anxious , trembling

daisies: innocence , hope

iris: a message

marigold: despair , grief , jealousy

pansy: thoughts

willow: sadness

zinnia: thoughts of absent friend

i was officially thinking of quirrell and his unfinished business being not being able to explain people what truly happened , and that he was innocent , but i thought , while writing the scene with him and dolores , why not add a little twist ?

so now not only his unfinished business is explaining his side of the story , it is also voldemort's death ( revenge ) , being useful and help the students ( guilt , from his DADA year . he had found dark arts interesting , and because of Voldemort he had failed to show the others his point of view on the subject ) and dolores umbridge ( he will not rest until that disgusting thing called a human being is gone from the halls of his home )

i also have a headcannon where the more feelings behind an unfinished business there is , and depending on the number of said unfinished business , the more in contact with he world said ghost is . like being able to touch objects , be completely aware of your surroundings , and going as far as acting like a human . and as you can see , quirinus has quite a few and loads of emotion behind it , especially when he focuses on them .

OKAY NOW IM DONE ILL STOP WRITING NOW OR ELSE IT'LL TURN INTO A WHOLE BOOK——

[normal-thoughts-official]

The world keeps spinning (it really shouldn't)

Vance did it. He defeated Josephine, saved his grandpa and Elliot, and saved the town. Everything's fixed.

No. Everything is awful. He failed, and now his friend- now Tom is gone.

And he'd rather fight Josephine all over again, because it'd be easier than what he has to do now- tell Andy about it.

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Relationships: Andy Kang/Tom Sato, Danni Asturias/Imogen Wescott, (dannimogen is background and very brief but i couldn't resist), Andy Kang & Ava Cunningham & Lucas Thomas & Lily Ortiz

Additional Tags: tom dies and everything is awful, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Friendship, for basic context im going with the version of ILITW that i got, which is that everyone survived and noah took jane's place, and then for ILB i did the version where tom dies obviously, (which is not the version i got), (everyone survived), (i feel the need to say this for my own ego), but anyway i was like what if tho. andy would be devastated, and then... this happened?, only difference from canon is that ILITW MC told everyone about noah a lot before, also like. imma be real with yall, im physically uncapable of giving my MCs serious names, so ILB MC was named That Bitch and i didnt want to give him a real name, cuz it felt like betrayal, so im just calling him vance for this one, is it his nickname? is he called vance vance? dont worry about it, Anyway that's it, Pining, you know. before the death part. it's mentioned, also we're ignoring the whole richard tries to murder MC thing, cuz i dont have time for that, so pretend ILB ended on chapter 17, Hopeful Ending, considering the theme i mean

Read it on Ao3

The city of Westchester looks exactly the same, but somehow feels a lot less wholesome, now. Vance walks in it and feels like a corpse among the living, like a ghost screaming to everyone that something's wrong. And being ignored.

It shouldn't look the same, without Tom.

But no one knows, yet.

He swallows, running a hand behind the nape of his neck. That's why he's here, anyway - they should know, they deserve to know, and he doesn't want to have the funeral without Tom's friends there.

Which is why he's going to tell Andy. Himself, in person. Because he might not know him very well, but he wants to do the right thing, and that's the least Andy deserves. He knows there's no one Tom loved like he did Andy, and from what he's seen of them together, the feeling was mutual.

He has to do this. But he feels sick, just thinking about that bond, and how it was ruined.

How could he let this happen to them?

He was so cocky, so stupid, so reckless... He thought everything would turn out okay. Assumed it would, even, because it kept getting him through it, to think that everything would turn out fine.

God. What a joke.

He walks into the little diner Andy had recommended. I'm sure you've heard of that place, Tom loves it, he had texted. We always went there to celebrate our wins back in high school. His stomach had churned, but he didn't say anything, because he wasn't going to tell Andy via text. He has to do this right. It's the least he owes him.

So he pretended that everything was fine, and agreed to meet him there. Woke up, and dragged himself to the place, trying to muster up the courage to face the world that seemed to not even care about his mistakes.

When he gets to the diner's door, he takes a deep breath, trying to ground himself for what he's about to do. Face his own mistakes. Face the pain he caused when he failed them both.

He walks in, and to his relief, and despair, Andy is already there. He smiles brightly when he sees Vance, and Vance wants to disappear.

"Vance! Nice to see you, dude. I heard about what went down in Pine Springs, glad you're okay," he says, not giving time for Vance to answer before continuing, this weird sense of calm and sympathy about him. "So, I assume you still need help with that ghost? From what I've seen in the news, it seemed like you handled it pretty well, but it's not like they are giving us supernatural updates or anything, so I figured there were still some loose ends to tie. Are the other guys coming? Where's Tom?" he looks over behind Vance, and Vance wants to die at the question. God, how is he going to tell him? He didn't really think about that, beyond the part where he has to. "I kind of thought you'd come together again. Bad move to come separated, Tom is always late to everything, I swear if it weren't for me he'd have been kicked out of the team for missing practice too many times. And I'm not the most punctual guy in the world, mind you, but I still had to drag his ass there so he'd be on time- is everything okay?"

Vance is a little shocked by the question. It's not, but what is he supposed to answer? "Andy," he says, a little careful, "things… went a little wrong, back there."

"Oh, shoot," he says, "I'm sorry, man, I kinda assumed, when I heard about how the flooding and the animal attacks were in full swing and then just stopped suddenly, that that was when you got rid of the ghost, you know? And seeing you all in one piece… I thought it was over already. Do you need help? I can round up the guys, and we can go-"

"No, Andy," Vance says, "the ghost is gone."

Andy looks at him, confused. "Then what's the problem?"

"Tom," he says, then winces when he sees all the color drain from Andy's face.

Andy waits for barely a second, then breaks into anxious questioning. "Tom? Why? What do you mean? Is he hurt? How bad is it? Did he have to go to the hospital? Where is he?"

Vance wants to cry. God. God. He can't do this. "Andy..."

Andy just looks at him, eyes wild, terrified, and it hasn't even hit him yet. "Vance. Vance. Please. What happened? Does Tom need me? Because if so, we need to go-"

"Tom's gone," he says, and it leaves him in a rush, a whisper, taking with it the last of his energy. He's empty, and somehow, it's still awful. "He's… he's dead, Andy."

Andy looks at him, eyes wide, unfocused, lost. "This isn't funny," he says. "If Tom put you up to this, knock it off right now. Tell him not to ever joke about-"

"Andy," Vance says, then swallows. "Tom wouldn't joke about that. You know that."

"No, he wouldn't, but..." His eyes begin to water, panic settling in, gaze darting across the room as if searching for him, "But… No. No. No, knock it off."

Vance starts crying before Andy does. "I'm sorry, Andy."

--------

Andy is in shock. He freezes in place, mouth hanging open, everything about him completely still except for his eyes, still so damn wide, still searching the place, searching Vance, begging for something, anything. Vance sits him back down on the table, gently, and Andy lets himself be handled back, eyes still not settling on him.

"I'm sorry," Vance says. "I… I promised you that I would take care of him. I tried, but… I'm so sorry."

"How?" he asks, "how could this happen? This isn't… After Redfield, when everyone survived, I just… I didn't think any of us could lose to another monster, I..." He shakes his head, vigorously, desperately. "This was supposed to be over. We were done, we were free, it was supposed to be over, we were all supposed to be safe, it shouldn't..."

"I'm sorry. It all happened so fast, I… If I had been faster, maybe..."

"Well, it's a bit late for that now," Andy snaps, and Vance bites his lip, not recoiling, because he deserves it. Then Andy stops, as if realizing what he had said, and for a second, his eyes seem clear again. He shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry. I… If there's anything I've learnt from everything that happened, it's that we can't point fingers when things get hard." He finally looks up at Vance, shaking, eerily still, nothing like the guy he was just seconds ago. He's wrecked, Vance thinks, and he wants to tear at himself in guilt. "What happened? Did he- did he drown, or… Did the ghost..."

"We were fighting monsters," Vance explains. "There were just… So many of them, and it all happened so fast, I..." he looks away, not daring to look back at the memory, not daring to remember the awful scene. As if he has to. Everytime he closes his eyes, it's back, punishing him. "We got his body," he explains. "Pine Springs is taking the victims to mass graves, but we wanted to give him a proper burial. I thought… You'd want to come."

Andy seems surprised, like that hadn't crossed his mind. "You haven't buried him yet?"

Vance bites his lip. "No. We're doing it tonight. We didn't have the time before, and… Well, I thought you'd want to be there. And I think he'd have wanted his body to be in Westchester, so..." He trails off.

Andy looks at him, hesitant. He bites his lip, looks away, then back at him. "Can I see the body?"

Vance does recoil, this time. He wasn't expecting this question. "I… You won't want to."

"What do you mean, I won't want to? I need to say goodbye to him, I-"

"Andy," he says, as gently as possible, because he deserves Andy's anger, all of it, but he won't let him do that to himself. "You won't want to remember him like that. His body…" He looks at Andy's eyes. He's still furious, livid, shaking, and he's lost, and Vance realizes that he doesn't get it, doesn't understand what Vance is saying, and this might be even worse than having to tell him Tom is dead. "It's torn to pieces, Andy. There's not much for you to see."

Andy freezes, for the second time that day. "Was he- oh, god," he looks at his own shaky hands, somehow even more in shock than before. "Was it… At least, was it quick?"

Vance starts crying again. He opens his mouth to answer. He can't. He chokes on the words, on his guilt, on his uselessness. "I'm so sorry, Andy."

------

Andy throws up. Once, twice. He doesn't insist on looking at the body. Obviously, he can't. Just imagining it- it's too much.

He tries to comfort Vance, because he- he's trying to do better, with his anger, with his impulsiveness, but all he can think about is how much he wants to destroy something, and honestly, the whole conversation is a blur. He punches the wall instead, once he gets home. And throws up. Again and again. Sends his friends a message, letting them know about the funeral. Cries. Punches the wall again. And again, and again, hoping that his hands will start to bleed, that he'll tear himself apart. His mom asks what's got him so angry, and he yells, "Tom is dead!". Her face twists in shock, and he can't look at it. He runs away.

Being back outside is almost worse. Everything- it should be in shambles. The whole town, the whole world should be on fire, fizzling, filled with screams and despair, like Andy is. He's never lived in a world without Tom before, never been away from him his whole life, and it shouldn't look like it's just the same. Everything should be gone, destroyed. And it is, but it doesn't look that way, and Andy wants to tear it all apart until it makes sense, at least.

He hates Westchester now. He hates it. God damn the stupid woods, and the stupid cult, and the fucking Power! God damn Andy for telling Tom about it, for letting him become this sort of- monster hunter, for believing that just because they overcame a ghost once, it would keep happening if they pushed their luck.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Tom can't be dead. It's impossible.

How can Andy still be standing, if Tom isn't here?

---------

He wanders like that the rest of the day, not noticing the hunger that builds up after going a whole day without eating, not noticing the passersby looking at him worriedly, not noticing the thousands of missed calls from his mom, not noticing anything but this awful despair. He knows the feeling of wanting to claw his chest off intimately well, but it's never been like that before. He wants to carve himself hollow. He wants to scream. He wants to run. And he runs from the all-encompassing nothingness, even though he has nowhere to go.

He goes from angry to empty, and then back to angry, all day long, and the day passes in a blur.

--------

Andy meets up with Vance and two girls from their crew. Their group was pretty small, he realizes. A lot smaller than Andy's was, all those years ago. Three years ago. Forever ago. Another lifetime. Just yesterday.

The cemetery is empty, but there's a grave with a black casket they're standing next to. "I thought all the cemetery crew was helping Pine Springs," he says, like he cares. Honestly, he hadn't thought about the logistics of this at all.

"They are," Vance confirms, serious. "You, uh… You know about Noah, right…?"

Andy nods. "Yeah, we, uh, reintroduced ourselves to him a little after you guys left." It was weird, to say the least. All that anger, all that betrayal, bubbling up again right when they had all started to move on from what had happened, to think that it was over… The urge to scream at him, demand answers… And then seeing all the hurt, and the confusion, and remembering that they had loved Noah, once, most of their lives, and that at the end of the day, the only one who had suffered from his actions was himself.

It wasn't easy to forgive. Not to Andy. Or Stacy. Or Ava. But they had been working on it. Maybe they couldn't forgive, much less forget, but at the same time, they couldn't get rid of that bond, either.

Still… "What does this have to do with… With Tom?" If Noah had anything to do with his death, Andy would kill him all over again. He doesn't care about his freaky powers, he'll die if he has to, but Noah will pay.

"He, uh, helped. Dig the grave and, uh, get a casket. That's how we got everything ready."

Oh. "I… I see," he says. "Is he here?"

"No. I told him you guys were coming, and he said it was better if he left."

"Oh," Andy answers. "I guess that's… Yeah. Still..." he raises his voice a little bit, in the direction of the woods. "Thank you, Noah."

He doesn't see or hear anything, not really, but still, somehow, he can tell that Noah is pleased. He can picture Noah's smile and that fragile little "friendsss..."

He sighs, suddenly exhausted.

Vance seems to notice, god bless his soul. "Are the others coming?", he asks, gently.

"Lily, Lucas, and Ava are," Andy replies. "The rest were out of town, and they… They won't make it."

"I'm sorry."

Andy kicks a pebble. "It's fine," he says. It's the kind of lie that's so absurd that it becomes true. Nothing is fine. It'll never be fine. So it doesn't matter at all, and it ends up being fine.

Vance seems to realize what's going through his head, somehow, because he looks unsure of what to say. Finally, he settles on, "uh, Andy. These are Danni, and Imogen," he says, gesturing to each of them, and Andy musters up enough energy to look at their faces while he does that, at least. Then, his eyes widen for a second, finally taking in what they look like.

"Wait, you're Imogen Wescott?" he says, a little dumbfounded. "When I heard that name, I kinda expected you to be, you know..."

"White and insufferable?" Imogen asks, a little smile directed at him, so gentle he can barely handle it. "Yeah. That's why I'd rather go by Genny, usually."

Danni frowns at her, slightly troubled. "You never told me that."

Imogen's smile turns a little brighter. "Oh, no, not for you, Danni. For you, I'd rather go by 'babe'".

Danni also smiles at her, and they squeeze each other's hands, and the edges of grief seem to turn just a little softer for them both. Andy can tell that things get just a little easier for them, just a little less grim, because they have each other. And he needs to look away, wants to run, because he and Tom… They could've… In a way, they were...

He feels like he's ready to run again. God, he fucked up so bad. What was he supposed to do now, how could he get better when the one thing in the world that always made him feel better was Tom? He lost him, he's gone, it's over, and somehow it hadn't hit quite the way it did at that moment, looking at that connection, that love that showed through grief. He averts his eyes, feeling wild and cornered, and turns back right in time to almost run into Lily - who looks devastated, and reaches out to touch his arm. Which feels crazy, because Andy is raw, and his whole body is bleeding, and rotting away, and who would touch him-

"I'm so sorry, Andy." She says, and Andy finds himself hugging her tight, and he feels like she should wither, die at his touch, suffocate, but she just hugs him back and pats him and Andy cries on her shoulder, and he's never cried in front of her before, much less like this. But he can't stop, he can't do anything, he's so heavy and dizzy and lost-

And Lily is stronger than they give her credit for, because she holds him, this endless weight that is him, even when he shakes and stains her sweater with tears, like it's nothing. She feels so solid, right then, the only solid thing in the world. She's got him, Andy knows, and it's like finally he ran into something he can take shelter in. He takes a deep breath, then another, and holds on for dear life.

"I'm sorry," is the first thing he says, maybe the only thing he knows how to say right now. Maybe this is how Jane felt, in the end - this endless spectre of regret, bigger than everything, than everyone, encompassing her and drowning her until it ate her whole and left her empty, with only the Power and its evil inside her.

He's so tired, but he's not empty, not yet.

He almost wants to be.

"Don't apologize," Lily says, so sad and sympathetic, and it takes Andy a moment to realize what she's even talking about. "I'm really sorry, I..."

It's only then that Andy's eyes focus enough to see Ava and Lucas standing a little after her, their faces twisted with sadness and bodies frozen in place. At times like this, it really is obvious that Lily is the bravest out of all of them, by far. Andy doesn't think he's ever cried in front of any of them, and Lucas and Ava look- completely lost.

Lucas is the first to talk, out of them both. His voice is very soft. "Andy, if there's anything you need..."

Ava interrupts, words leaving her way too fast. "We'll be staying with you tonight." She blinks for a second, frowning at Lucas. "Sorry, I, uh, hadn't realized you were talking." She looks like she just came out of a daze. She probably had been running that in her head for a while. Lucas puts his hand on her shoulder, and Ava runs a head on her neck, embarrassed.

"It's okay," Andy answers, even though her apology wasn't directed at him. "You don't have to, you know, watch over me or..." He trails off.

"We're not leaving you alone," Ava says, resolute. "You know the others couldn't come, but we all agreed that we should be… You know..."

Andy chokes on something he can't quite feel. He looks down at his feet, and he hasn't felt this small in years. "I… Okay."

Ava reaches out to him, hesitant, and gives him a little pat on the shoulder. Lucas starts rubbing his back soothingly, and, very awkwardly, they gravitate into a group hug. Andy can see the nervousness in Ava's eyes, the worry that she's doing this wrong somehow, like a hug is the most complex thing in the world, and he tries to muster up a little smile of encouragement to her, but he's forgotten how to do that. He doesn't know how to do anything, anymore.

Slowly, they separate, and all three of them still keep some sort of touch with Andy - even Ava, with her hand close to his shoulder - like they're trying to anchor him, but he drifts away anyway, lost in whatever it is that's left of himself.

Vance looks down at him for a moment, as if waiting for a signal, but Andy doesn't know for what, so he waits for Vance to figure it out. Finally, he says, "should we start?"

Andy frowns. "Wasn't there some other guy with you? Pork something?"

Vance, Imogen, and Danni all look at each other, uncertain, surprised, for a moment. It's Imogen who speaks up. "He… He left us."

Ava swallows. "Did he also..."

"No," she says, shaking her head, sadly. "He, uh, deserted the group."

"He what?" Someone asks, shocked, almost outraged, and when Andy sees the looks in everyone's faces, he realizes that it was him.

"He couldn't take it," Vance says, face twisted with sadness. "All the fighting, the monsters… He left."

Andy is shaking. Falling apart. About to explode. "When?"

Vance doesn't look at him. "Right before the final battle."

"He abandoned you when you were going up against the evil ghost?"

"He..." Vance begins, then finds that he has nothing else to say. "Yeah."

"How…" Andy begins, lost for words, and then it happens. He explodes. "How dare he!" He screams. "Tom was counting on him, he trusted him, he needed him, and he just left? He should have been there! He should have been there, he should," Andy looks at his own hands, in shock, watching them tremble and go out of focus, like there are tears blocking his vision, and he feels sick, on the verge of death, and he realizes that he's not talking about that guy at all. "He should have been there!" He slips from his own control, falling to his knees, covering his face, feeling shame, shame, shame, hatred, disgust. "He should… I should… Oh God, I just let him go alone..."

"Andy..." Someone says. Maybe Lucas. Maybe Lily. Maybe the Imogen girl. It sounds so sympathetic. He wants to claw at his own skin and hide.

"I should have been there, I shouldn't… I had experience, what was I thinking..."

"Tom didn't want you to go," someone else says, gently. "I was there when you talked, remember? You didn't abandon him. You said you were going to come, and he told you not to."

"Tom.. Tom is not my damn boss," Andy answers, still covering his face, feeling the tears stop spilling and start to drown him from the inside, and god damn T, the least Tom deserves is for him to be able to cry properly- "I-I should have… gone," he chokes, shaking.

The next one who speaks is Ava. "He wouldn't have wanted you to be at risk, Andy."

"I don't care. I don't care. I'm selfish like that, I'd rather it was me. I could have helped him, I could have saved him, even if I had to- to take his place..."

"Andy..." is all Ava says, sounding shaken, devastated.

"Fuck!" He screams, punching the ground beneath him as if trying to punish the earth for taking Tom. "He would have never left me like that, I could always count on Tom, I could always..." he feels his chest constrict, or maybe burst, with all the tears and horror inside of him, like he's cracking from the inside. "Always..." he can't form the words, can't find the air, and he falls in on himself, more, more, more, closing in, suffocating, "always..." he can't breathe. He can't breathe. He tries to draw it in, to keep himself steady, but every time he tries to bring it in, the air escapes from him again, further, abandoning him, and he wheezes, again, again, closing in further, suffocating, oh God, he's going to die…

"It's a panic attack!" Someone screams, then kneels beside him, putting their hands on his shoulders. "Andy. Andy. Focus on me. You need to breathe. Deep lungfuls. Come on. I'll count to four. Keep breathing in. 1… 2..."

"Can't," he wheezes. It's too strong, like there's something… Something constricting his chest, inside and outside, and then he realizes… "Binder." He sits down straighter, no longer closing in on himself, and that awful vulnerability gets even worse, but it's easier to breathe. He follows the person's counts… 1, 2, 3, 4… Then up to five, then to six, then to seven, then eight… Until finally he doesn't need help, and he opens his eyes and contemplates the absolute mess that he is, and Imogen's kind, relieved face just inches from him.

"Good, Andy, you did well… I have these sometimes, too, I know how scary they are, you were so brave..." Imogen keeps on saying, painfully understanding, and he nods, a bit exhausted to explain. He didn't take his binder off all day, didn't remember… And if he wears it for too long, he's more prone to hyperventilating, especially if he's stressed. Tom knew that. Tom would have known what was going on. Tom… Fuck.

"I'm sorry," he says, to everyone, and no one in particular.

"Don't apologize. We're all glad you're okay," Lily says, and he realizes that, somehow, she had also kneeled beside him and brought him into another hug. He hides his face on her shoulder, shaking his head, trying to breathe. Breathing. She pets his head, a little bit, and he can feel some more touch, too - little pats on his shoulder and back, all gentle, not crowding him, like he's some sort of wild animal they're trying to calm down.

God, what a mess.

He holds Lily tighter, wanting to hide from the world. She lets him, because it's the kind of person Lily is. He feels himself drift away, for a while, but Lily's still petting his head and he can't lose himself completely. He shakes his head, wanting to fight it, almost wanting to get away from Lily, but he can't escape the gentleness in her embrace. He still can't cry, but he feels his eyes water and burn anyway, and he shakes his head against Lily's shoulder. He just wants this to be over. Please, he's so exhausted.

His breaths even, despite himself, but Andy keeps shaking, and he keeps shaking his head slightly against Lily. He wants this to end, it has- has to be a nightmare…

"Shh, Andy, don't hold it in, it's okay," Lily says, slowly, sadly, and Andy shakes his head more vigorously. No. He can't be weak right now, it's only going to make it last longer. He needs to end it, can't be done with this until Tom has gotten his goodbyes.

It's the least Andy owes him, now that there's nothing else he can do.

So, he speaks up.

"We should go on," he says, suddenly feeling resolute. It's easier to do this if he has something to focus on. He needs to see this through the end, for Tom. If he thinks only about that...

"Are you sure?" Vance asks, hesitant.

Andy nods, forcing his vision to focus. "He needs to rest."

----------

Everyone's speeches go by in a blur. Vance talks about how good Tom's heart was, how he was willing to drop everything to go help a bunch of strangers, how everyone could always count on him. He cries, and he says he's sorry, and the girls put their arms around him, tell him that he did his best. Imogen brings up how kind he was, and Danni talks about his strength. They really loved him, Andy notices, and feels his heart settle just a little bit. He was loved till the end. Of course he was.

Lucas talks about how supportive Tom was, how he was always uplifting everyone around him and would let Lucas babble on about conservation for hours. Lily brings up how much he believed in her and supported her when she was making her videogames. Ava says that Tom was the only one who ever saw her looking up Westchester's history and cults and just… Sat down with her and helped, understanding that she needed this to feel safe, to feel ready, and sharing that burden of getting ready for a disgrace, just a little bit. Andy never knew that Tom had been joining Ava for research. He could've helped with that, too. He could have done a lot of things, if he had paid more attention.

He's left for last, and a part of him wants to be a coward, to stay silent, but that was never his style.

"When Tom had turned into a zombie," he begins, "Redfi- Jane made him hurt me. And I wasn't worried for myself. I was worried for him. I wanted him back, no matter what it took, no matter what happened to me," he begins, not looking at anyone in particular, because he knows most of them already know this story, but he's not going to- he's not going to deny Tom the chance to know how he felt about him, before he rests. It's the least Andy owes him.

So, he takes a deep breath and goes on, pushing himself into saying something that matters.

"Then our friends showed up, and they said that Tom was still there. That I had to reach out to him. So I tried. I talked to him about our childhood. About how much he had been supporting me… How he was my best friend. He was hesitant, but so… Scared. I didn't know what to do. Tom and I always got each other..." He loses himself a little, shaking his head, purging the thoughts that were keeping him from going on, "And then someone said, 'Andy's hurt. H-he needs help'." He loses focus for a second, and that can't happen. He takes a breath, tries to make himself talk. "And just like that… Tom came back.

"He extended his hand to me, and helped me to my feet, and suddenly there was color in his face again, and for a second he wasn't even confused as to what the hell was going on, he just wanted to make sure I was okay. He came back because I needed him. Because he couldn't bear to hurt me. He was always there for me, and I… I don't think I ever needed him more than right now."

He stops a minute, to look at the faces surrounding him. There's a grief in them that looks almost like… Pity.

And Andy isn't even mad about it. He feels pitiful.

"I'm not the best guy with words," he admits, "so I don't know how to express how much this meant to me, or how much Tom meant to me. No one understood me like him. Tom is… Was… No, is a part of me. Maybe the best part of me, because I loved him more than anything else about myself. I'll miss him for the rest of my life." He looks down at Tom's grave, carved out of anything else to say. "I love you, buddy."

It's not the greatest speech that's ever been given, but it's what he can say, and at least he's done it. He'll be able to do better, later. He'll come back to talk to him again. As many times as he can, for as long as he can. He swears on that.

Andy steps back from the grave, and doesn't look as they slowly fill it, covering the closed casket with dirt. He finally allows himself to let the exhaustion catch up with him, and is overcome by that blissful, blissful emptiness.

---------

He's fully expecting himself to drop asleep as soon as they get to Ava's place. They decided to stay there for the night, because Andy still doesn't want to face his mom, to see that same grief in her, for her to want to talk to him, to tell him that everything would be fine. He can't do that, not today. At least Lucas had enough foresight to warn her of where they are, so she should leave him alone for now. Lucas is very reliable in a crisis, Andy thinks, making a note to himself to thank him properly later.

But he can't sleep. He's too exhausted to even rest. And for some reason, even though he doesn't want to talk, that's exactly what he found himself doing for the past few hours. Vomiting up all sorts of memories and thoughts, ranging from funny moments he had with Tom to all of his regrets, and Andy's always been kind of a stress-talker, but it's never been like this. He feels like he's been skinned alive; there's nothing to hold himself together, to hold anything at all in.

He cries all the tears he didn't think he had left in him anymore, and he curses himself, and the guy who left them in the end, and Noah, and the Power, and the cult, and himself again. He scratches his own skin until Lucas gently takes his hands in his, stopping him from doing more of it. And he talks, through all of that. Talks and talks and talks.

The words make him drift through memories, through states of mind, and he knows he's so damn volatile today, it's like he can't anchor himself to a feeling, but his friends put up with him anyway.

Finally, he starts to settle into this sort of… Slowness, like his mind is clear, or maybe blank, even as he keeps on thinking. And he keeps talking through it, letting all the minor regrets have their turn after he's too damn done to keep dealing with the worst parts.

"I never told him I was in love with him," Andy says, staring at the three empty mattresses in front of him, because it's easier than looking at any of his friends, who are currently sitting right beside him, as he babbles on. "I was going to, you know? After R- Jane. I had almost died, so I figured, you know- yolo, and all that. And then I told myself, 'I'll wait until I'm out of the hospital.' And then I started to think… What if he didn't feel the same way? What if things got weird? What if I end up losing him? And I never told him," he looks at his own feet, "and now I lost him anyway."

They all just look at him. They used up all the "I'm sorry, Andy"s left in them a long time ago, he thinks. There's only so many platitudes you can muster up when you know they're worthless, when you're just repeating yourself.

God bless them for trying, though. They're sticking with him through their own- everyone's inadequacy to deal with what's going on. Andy can't thank them enough for that.

"He knew you loved him," Ava says, serious, and Andy frowns at her, doubtful. "He might not have known you were in love with him, but… He knew how much he meant to you. I'm sure of it."

Andy laughs, humorless, "did you finally get those mind reading powers you wanted?" he says. It falls flat, but they pretend it doesn't, for his sake.

Ava rolls her eyes. "Don't be an ass, Kang," she says. "No. I just… I can tell. Anyone can."

Andy bites his lip, looking away.

She presses on, as gently as she can. "Besides, you also know, don't you? Regardless of anything else… Tom loved you, just as much as you loved him."

"I still love him," Andy says, before he can think about it, and a weird kind of shame creeps up on him - for saying it, for not saying it sooner, for realizing that this… It'll probably never go away, even now that it's completely pointless, that it's just proof of his cowardice.

"That's… Normal," Lily says, fiddling a little with her sweater. "You don't forget someone just like that, just because something happened. I mean, look at me and Britney. It took me years to get over her, and even then, I had to have supernatural forces show me exactly who she was, first."

"She didn't deserve you," Ava says.

"Maybe not. It doesn't matter now," Lily says. "The point is… It's okay to still love him."

Andy hugs his knees. "I don't think anything is okay, right now."

"That's okay, too."

They stay in silence for a moment, and then Lucas speaks up. "I know 'it gets better' stories don't really help at times like these," he says, "so I won't tell you that, but… I know what it's like, to feel like nothing will ever be okay, ever be enough. So… At least you're not alone, in that feeling."

Andy's mouth does something. It's not a smile, but it's what it can do right now. "Yeah. At least it's not like last time," he says. "With Jane. We all fell apart, and… It felt really lonely, even though..." He chokes up. "I had Tom."

Lucas rubs at Andy's shoulder sadly, and Andy shakes his head.

"It's just that he didn't get it, you know? And I couldn't tell him, about what happened," he says, instead of thinking about how much worse this is, no matter how many friends he has by his side right now. "So I… Missed you guys." He finishes, ashamed.

"We get it," Ava says, solemn. "And we're sticking with you, this time around."

"Yeah," Lucas agrees.

"Yeah," Lily adds.

"Okay," Andy answers. "I… Thanks."

They hug him tighter. It's all they have to say.

[roughentumble]

i have this little scene stuck in my head so im typing it out:

geralt invites jaskier up to kaer morhen with him, right? and one night, geralt wakes up from a nightmare. used to be when he had one, alone in his room at kaer morhen, he'd get up and pace the halls until the panic drained from his body, then he'd crawl back into bed. nowadays, when he's on the road with jaskier, he rolls over and matches his breathing to jaskier's. lets the sounds of his companion safe and calm lull him into a meditative state, then back to sleep.

so out of habit, he rolls over... and jaskier isnt there. because jaskier has his own room. for a moment, he feels utterly devastated-- the residual fear bleeding into abject loneliness-- then he pulls himself together and rises on shaky legs to perform his usual routine. but as he begins to pad barefoot through the halls, he passes by jaskier's room and, before he can stop himself, knocks on the door.

jaskier is bleary when he answers it, jaw cracking on a yawn. geralt tries to apologize and back away, say he shouldnt have woken him, but jaskier insists it's fine, and geralt finds himself asking "do you want to go for a walk?"

jaskier putters around, gets some warm slippers, and mother hens over geralt a bit-- forces him to put on some thick socks and borrow a shawl-- but soon enough they're walking down the halls together in silence.

it settles something in geralt's chest, both the movement and jaskier's presence.

after a bit of walking, geralt leads jaskier to a long set of stairs, which he whinges about, but when they reach the top of the tower-- despite the bitter cold-- the view of the night sky is unparalleled, only matched by the landscape below. jaskier seems delighted by it, and happily settles next to geralt.

eventually geralt explains-- about the nightmare, about how he dealt with them, how he deals with them now that jaskier's around. "but then i looked over, and..."

"and i wasnt there." jaskier says quietly.

"i didnt... i didnt want to be alone." geralt confesses. "im sorry i woke you."

jaskier tsks, then says "you can always wake me. always."

he shivers in the frigid night air, and geralt tucks him up under his arm, shares what little heat the shawl can provide. they stay until their fingers ache, until geralt starts to truly relax. "you're nodding off, darling." jaskier says gently, and with that they make their way back down.

they make their way back to jaskier's room, but jaskier keeps walking, even as geralt freezes in front of his door. "well come on," jaskier says, tugging on his hand, "we'll never make it back to bed if you keep stopping."

geralt sucks in a breath, takes a step forward. "you...?"

jaskier smiles softly. says "come on," again, tugs on his hand, "let's go to bed, hm?"

and some final vestiges of anxiety he hadnt even noticed melt away entirely as geralt is pulled along, knowing he wont be alone.

geralt falls asleep warm and happy, to the cadence of jaskier's breath.

[9worldstales]

Loki & Thor in “Thor & Loki – Double Trouble” n° 2

I really, really, really wanted to read this one from when it was announced so here are my two cents on the new number.

BEWARE FOR SPOILERS?

So, “Double trouble” continues on the same line on which it’s started. It’s fun and cute and it’s based on having a funny situation after another, in total contrast with “Thor” of this month.

Anyway, where were we?

We’ve left Thor and Loki having to deal with Mildred, the sister of the Midgard serpent, which is really not happy at having been summoned.

The story starts… showing us two panels. In one we can see Thor’s eyes, in the other Loki’s.

Although they’re physically different, the fact they’re shown in the same way, remarks a similarity. It’ll be something recurring in this episode.

Thor is conveniently saying it’s all Loki’s fault.

Now... I won’t deny Loki has a HUGE share of the blame, but Thor knew they shouldn’t take the lur, knew it could be dangerous, and that giving it to his brother was a bad idea and yet did it anyway over a dare. He was a willing accomplice and, while he couldn’t figure out the full extent of what this would have caused, he could have avoided the whole thing by saying ‘no, I’m not retrieving the lur’. He didn’t, afraid he would look a coward so yes, he’s also to blame.

Loki, who’s still being held there by Thor, points out whoever is the fault (and he remarks he’s not conceding anything), this doesn’t matter as they’re both doomed.

He seems relatively calm and rational (really, Loki, shouldn’t you worry a little?) and I really wonder why he wanted to play that lur so badly, he recognized Mildred so maybe he knew what playing it would cause, beyond causing mischief.

I mean, to use a way to say from my country which is particularly fitting here, was the play worth the candle?

Mildred attacks, parting them and sending them both flying.

Thor says he guess it’s up to the more HEROIC brother to make short work of this mess as he tried to use his hammer against Mildred.

Indeed, the siblings have a poor relation, as this is also a jab implying Loki is ‘less heroic’ (coward), as well as a demonstration of Thor’s big ego. Loki doesn’t seem offended though as he pats dust away from his clothes and smiles as he agrees and look at his brother.

There’s to wonder why Thor kept him there if he thought he could solve it on his own, did he want to show off?

Mjolnir hits Mildred. Thor seems proud of this but Loki is much faster to understand this only angered her more.

As the siblings hurriedly and not so heroically run away (in an hilarious way... I mean, look at them!), chased by a furious Mildred, Thor tells Loki to be the one to think of something.

Loki’s plan… is to have a bouquet of roses magically appear and then to try to swoon Mildred over.

Honestly it’s hilarious (he even has a shine effect around) and, considering the cover, one might even think it would work (it doesn’t as Mildred uses her tongue to toss him away) but it’s not really particularly clever or make special use of magic, which should be Loki’s two strongest points.

Still it’s interesting how he tries to deal with her pacifically, not fighting but trying to ‘make friends’.

Anyway, as Loki flies away, Thor comments he’s not her type.

Mildred heads for the market, devastating it. It’s probably a good thing this is meant to be a funny thing or there would be a massacre. Instead the market place seems to be empty.

Thor points out they need a new, new plan to which Loki retorts it’s Thor’s turn.

I like the visual of the panel, with Mildred’s body cutting the 4 panels in halves and Loki and Thor alternating between panels, Loki on a side and Thor in the other, well balancing the symmetry of the scene.

Thor spots the lur and makes a run for it, telling Loki to distract Mildred. Loki points out that was what he was trying to do previously but it didn’t work.

So… I take if this was what he was trying to do when he attempted to seduce her, Thor didn’t realize and he didn’t take the hint.

It’s also clear Loki doesn’t look pleased with this plan, yet he still does what his brother says and, after catching Mildred’s attention, since Thor has previously suggested he was rejected because he wasn’t her type, he turns himself in a snake… maybe thinking she might like him more in this form.

She doesn’t.

As Thor grabs the ‘dreaded object of his brother’s schemes’ (which actually belonged to Odin and Thor totally contributed in handing it to Loki) Loki, in his snake form, escapes from Mildred, urging him to act.

Thor explains he believes if a note summoned her, another note might send her back so he bets on him guessing it. I’ll say it would have been better ask Loki first if he had an idea which one it could be as it’s Loki who’s the magician but whatever, Thor has the good luck of being the heroic main character.

Loki, still in snake form, comments it’s a solid plan… (it’s not really, it’s more a risky bet in Loki’s style) and then we see him draped on his brother’s shoulders, which is kind of cute, as he wonders if it did work, wearing the same expression as his brother.

Call me weird but I find adourable Loki crawled on Thor’s shoulders in snake form and Thor isn’t even fazed by it, as if this was perfectly normal for him.

Anyway turns out Thor has summoned an even bigger snake, which Loki recognizes as Mildred’s mom.

Mildred is dragged home by her mother and while Thor and Loki comment on how she’s going to be grounded, a voice calls them, saying their names in 2 different fonts. It’s Odin who wants to know what’s going on.

In the most (im)mature manner the siblings blame each other in a mirroring way, each refusing to act as an adult and take his share of the blame.

Odin though, is distraught over the loss of his favourite ice cream stall (who cares about the rest of the market and possibly of the city being in ruin?) and, as the siblings get another image in which their position mirror each other...

...he condemns them to clean up duty.

Thor is pissed but, as he carries a huge load of ruins, comments maybe this will curb Loki’s craving for mischief. Obviously not, as Loki, who’s carrying just a rock, immediately starts suggesting something. Thor cuts him, insisting he doesn’t want to hear it.

Loki is disappointed, he doesn’t get what Thor’s problem is.

Thor, covering his ears, insists Loki does this to him every! Time!

Loki still doesn’t get the problem, saying he’s just trying to keep the days lively with intriguing solutions to their problems and asks him if he wouldn’t like the cleanup done faster… so Thor can go chase his adouring fans.

Really, I do wonder if Loki does all this not so much for the mischief but because this is the only way he knows to have Thor paying him attention. He really doesn’t seem to get what he’s doing that’s so bad… but he seems to get that Thor would prefer to be elsewhere than with him.

Anyway Loki’s ‘brilliant’ plan is to use his cunning and genius and… some sort of crystal ball he has snatched from Odin’s vault while Thor was escaping from the guards because sacred objects can be useful and it’s better to be prepared. When Thor asks what the ball does Loki claims he’s glad Thor asked… but it turns out he has no idea what it does and discovers it just by testing the ball.

I take back my previous speculation about Loki having better chances than Thor to know which note to play with the lur. It seems Loki’s way to deal with magical objects it’s not to read instructions but to test try it on the nearby object. Really Thor, why would you trust ANYTHING in your brother’s hands?

Well, credits when it’s due, Thor tells him to put it back and, after finding back his hammer that he has somehow left behind, that it will be a bad idea.

I’m not really sure why we had this scene with Thor searching for his hammer. Is it a clue Thor isn’t the ordered type? Is it going to be relevant later on because, let’s say, Thor picked up the wrong hammer or something like that? Or it’s just to fill space? No idea.

Anyway as Loki asks him if he wants to resume clean up duty, Thor gives up.

Loki tells him to then shut up and let the smart brother do some cool magic.

Now… hum… I’m not really sure it’s smart to use some magical artifact Loki doesn’t really know how it works but whatever, we know this is just the prelude for another disaster.

Again they reinforce the previous dynamics, where Thor defined himself the heroic brother, Loki calls himself the smart brother… and even if Thor knows it’s a bad idea, ultimately he plays along because he doesn’t want to do the clean up.

Anyway the panel with Loki holding the ball is quite awesome, there’s the focus on the shining ball, Loki on the front in a powerful position and Thor behind, which causes him to seem conveniently of the same idea as his brother, which, symbolically, proves how they’re actually the same. Loki partially standing in front of him connects their figures, reinforcing the idea they’re on the same page.

In a way this episode showed them more similar than they seem to think to be, remember also how they previously blamed each other in an almost mirroring manner?

Or how Thor totally risked everything randomly playing the lur even if he had no idea if it would make matters better or worse?

I don’t know if there’s a goal in this comic beyond being funny, but I wonder if it could be they could understand they’re more similar than they think.

Whatever, Loki is clearly very happy to do his cool magic to the point he doesn’t even notice some sort of hole is opening up below them. Thor does and manages to warn his brother about it just in time for Loki to begin to say he is sure it’s noth���before they fall through it, losing hold of the hammer and the ball..

Thor blames Loki for this (forgetting he has allowed him to play in hope he wouldn’t have to clean up things) while Loki insists he maintains no responsibility.

Again though the image plays on how they’re similar. Both let go of their objects and both are in almost exactly the same pose, although Thor is upside down compared to Loki.

The comic ends here.

I’ve to say this volume was very well balanced in term of portraying both the siblings, with the visual depicting them often in the same position or in a mirroring one, but also with them making mistakes similar to their counterpart, or adopting their same behaviour.

So, as I said before, I don’t know if this comic has a point beyond the cute and funny tales but maybe it’s trying to set up the brothers so that they’ll realize they’re more similar than different?

We’ll see, maybe the meaning is just to make us smile, and in these times of pandemic this too is an important goal.

Anyway I love how cute and funny it is, I love the characters’ expressions and the dynamic of her art, the costant bitching of the siblings and... everything really.

Really, maybe it’s just a weird AU universe story but it’s lovely, you must read it.

As for me I just can’t wait to see the next episode!

[amjustagirl]

Hi Nikki!! I’ve been reading your works for a while and I’ve just finished reading chapter 6 of a sea in bloom and if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes in my message today then that’s because I’m crying rn so bear with me please

First of all, I love how you’ve paced the story so far. There were a lot of emotions and pining and a lot of building up which you then calmed down with the chapter of reader revival ofc. I love it. So well done.

Secondly, this: “The sun rises as it has done for a thousand years before him. The sun sets as it always will a thousand years after him.” I’m in love with these sentences. My heart aches every single time I’ve read it in your story. Idk what it is about it, my heart feels calm but it also aches. There’s so much depth and feeling in just those sentences alone that I can’t express it through words.

Thirdly, this:

““What does it mean if you blow all the seeds away in a single breath?”

A shy smile playing at the corner of your mouth is all the answer he needs to know.

He should’ve pruned any budding affection you might have for him in that moment, but his judgment is impaired. Eyes off the steering wheel just for an instant and his heart bursts into a wilderness of flowers, a sea in bloom. ”

I love how you included his memories of reader. And the section above really tugged on my heart. Like he knew. He knew but he didn’t believe he was enough for her. I look so ugly right now from all the crying I’ve done.

I’m always here on anon but like I always say, you truly have a way with your words, oh my gosh I can’t even explain how many times I’ve cried today since I started reading the series.

I hope you have a lovely day, I’m going to go finish the last two chapter and hopefully try not to cry anymore because I need to go to work tonight. Hahaha but thank you for putting so much effort and beauty in your writing. I remember you were posting that you were struggling whilst writing this kita long fic but you honestly outdo yourself every single time. I love all your works. Every single one of them. I’ve made this message way too long so apologies but I hope I got my point across and made some sort of sense 🥰💗

oh sara <3

*gently wipes your tears away and gives you a hug*

i feel like the trick to my pacing is...actly i just try to give my characters room to breathe and live, and it's in those little moments and spaces that we discover the story through them. it's truly a build up of pining and loving until the devastating tear down and rejection and i hope you enjoy the final two chapters :)

ahh that line "the sun rises as it has done for a thousand years before him. the sun sets as it always will a thousand years after him.” it's that feeling of muted despair i think, that i was trying to get at. that kita chooses to be trapped by his familial obligations that stretches back in time, and that sense of inevitability like his future will be without the reader, without happiness.

ooh that little moment. when i was writing that scene i saw it (idk if it sounds weird) in pastel tones, the dandelions seeds blowing away into the summer breeze before bursting into colour as Kita's love for the reader hits him but it's just interspersed with cut scenes of a car wreck and ugh i hurt that lovely boy so much adlksfjsdlk;jfasd.

omg no i just rly try my best ahhhh. i don't feel talented by any means but...yeah i struggle ALOT when i write and i don't write the fastest bcos i keep rethinking my words and plot points and it can take forever for me to even write a sentence so...im glad y'all enjoyed it cos THIS FIC WAS SO DIFFICULT TO WRITE COS IT HAD TO BE JUST RIGHT.

pls now i wanna cry cos you said you love all my works (pls come here and let me give you a hug cos im always so grateful whenever my lesser loved fic babies get love ughhh) and DON'T APOLOGISE i love having you in my inbox and i rly hope hope hope you love the last two chapters <3

[itskixlol]

Artificial Memories

Summary: One of the many down sides of being a hero-in-training is constant quirk exhaustion.

Warnings!!: Panic attack like symptoms mentioned, cursing (like two words), semi-edited.

Genre: Angst to fluff

Word Count: 844

Characters: Shinsou Hitoshi x Akane Shizuka (OC)

A/N: This is inspired off of Arcade by Duncan Laurence sooo-

Knees huddled with a heavy lump in her throat, Akane was drowning in a never ending silence. Crying wasn't an option as her tears had stopped coming about an hour and a half ago. The clock was reading "3:08 AM" in bold, red letters when she checked for what seemed like the 50th time in the past ten minutes. The memory she remembers so vividly, but seems so far, repeating constantly like a loop in her mind. Her hand was already clasped over her mouth to hopefully muffle any sounds, as the scene replayed for the nth time that night:

Walking back to the dorms after a late night sparring session was always fun and upbeat with Akane. She carried a conversation so smoothly and single-handedly at a pace that was somewhat difficult to follow but others usually got used to it. However, this night Hitoshi seemed to have given a cold shoulder to her. Trying not to pry she spoke only above a whisper as she tugged on his hoodie sleeve, "Am I bothering you?" That seemed to have been the last straw for him. He whipped his arm away from her and had a deep scowl set onto his features. "What? You think I actually care for what you have to say? Tch, this is why I shouldn't be with you.." And with that he had speed walked to his dorm, leaving her awestruck and slightly teary. "Loving you hurts anyways.."

And that's what lead her to now, crying on the floor of her bathroom as she tried to keep away the plaguing thoughts. Hitoshi hadn't once texted her since the incident, but even if he did she wouldn't have known. Her phone was on silent and on her bed while she frantically rinsed her face with the water as she heard someone knocking.

"Babe? It's me, Hito. Please open the door." Why should she? He was the asshole for leaving her like that, but nonetheless she opened the door to what looked like a sleepless Shinsou. His soft eyes soon widened in shock as he threw his arms around her. All she could do was sink into his embrace, "Why would you say that?" Her voice breaking and crying more into his shoulder. She was breathy and her voice was both high pitched and raspy from all the crying and whimpering she had done. "Hey hey now, what did I say to you, m'love?" Even though his voice was soft and quiet, she was devastated to hear that. All her mind could chalk it up to was he didn't care enough for her to remember how much of a bitch he was just a few hours prior.

"You-ou don't remember?" All she got as a response was him shaking his head as he picked her up. Even his small actions with her were soft and gentle. Hooking his arms under her thighs and bum to fully support her as she clung to him for dear life. "Mmm no, I don't. You know what I think happened... Quirk exhaustion. You were so tired by the end of our sparring and we were at it for about 2 hours. You told me you were going to go shower then meet me for dinner. I tried to call but there was no answer, I even texted you baby. C'mere don't want you so sad and alone." He laid the two of them down as Akane snuggled her way closer and closer, into his chest as he ran his fingers through her hair, a gesture he knew she loved as she finally started to calm down. The hyperventilating had stopped, her sobs became small whimpers and most importantly she seemed less tense.

She rambled on and on about how it was a small memory but so vivid, she really thought he would say that. The whole time he was rubbing her back as she relaxed further under his touch, and soon fell asleep. By the time she had fallen asleep, Shinsou knew that what she was experiencing were all symptoms of her quirk being overused. It didn't happen often but when it did, it hit hard and didn't let up for around 6 hours. From the times she was giving him, he figured it had been about 3 hours since the initial exhaustion. He knew how she used different quirks for small tasks around her dorm so she was most likely using Midoriya's quirk to open a jar or Sero's to tape her reminders up. These small tasks would be the straw that broke the camel's back so he took a mental note to remind her about it.

Shinsou knew that she would have little to no recollection of this whole event tomorrow, but he was ready to help her through it if it meant that he was able to hold her close. Sometimes training to be a pro hero is hard work but it was all worth it if he got to see his girlfriend achieve something that she dreamt of as a toddler.

~~~

A/N: Um did I write this at 12 AM???? Nahhhhh why would I do thatttt hahahahah crazy right- Anyhow I kinda wanna make a part two where it's Akane waking up and not remembering and Hitoshi being the soft boyfie he is and yada yada cute shit ╮(╯∀╰)╭ (also im making an akane tag bc im gonna be writing for her a l o t more hehe [also also akane is literally just my mha dr self soooo love her])

[voidselfshipp]

The Runaway

Cw: none, ask to tag

Ok to rb

Chapter finale bitch!

Jerico woke up with the wind tapping at her window, its early morning.

She sits on the bed, turning to see her loving husband completly passed out.

She giggles caressing his side, and pressing a kiss to his warm cheek.

Going to take a bath she then changed clothes and grabbed a black parasol heading for the village with waffle behind her.

It was cloudy, the night before it snowed so the homes were adorned with white.

She Walked around the market, grabbing some things she thinks Lucas would like.

Suddenly waffle barks and runs to an older Man.

He looked so familiar.

Walking up to him, he picks her dog up, talking to her in a familiar accent -- ah hello waffle! No time no see!

--well color me impressed, nikolai?

The Man looks up to jerico, with a warm smile-- oh look at you, all grown up now

Jerico giggled, grabbing waffle-- what are you doing here?

-- I live here of course, and what are you doing here?

Jer shrugged-- well you remember that the dimitrescu family adopted me, so this is my home too

Niko nodds-- da, I remember, well its starting to get cold, let me invite you for a warm drink at my place? Just for old times sake?

She nodds-- id love to but I gitta be home by midday, I hav some stuff to do

He nodds and both walk to his home, the cozy ambient Provided much needed warmth.

Once they had a warm drink they sat on the couch with the TV going off in the background.

-- what did you get in the market?--nikolai asked.

Jer shrugged-- just some stuff I think my husband would like

The world stopped for nikolai right then and there-- h husband?

She nodds-- oh I havent told you did I? I got married!

He smiled with pain behind it-- ah congratulations, hes very lucky to have you

--hey before I leave though, can I ask you a question?

-- uh yeah

-- why you left our home, when we "broke up" ?just the night before we had an amazing date and then boom, never to be seen again

He sighed-- I used to be a mercenary, things got dangerous and I didnt want you to suffer, im so sorry, I was such a fool

She sighed patting his arm-- I dont hold any grudge towards you, dont worry --He sighed in relief-- well I gotta go, I wanna get these things to Lucas before he wakes fool

Waffle runs to her owner and both say their goodbyes.

She arrives home just in time to see Lucas wake up.

-- morning handsome -- jerico said caressing his side-- breakfast is ready

Lucas smiles sitting up finding the tray with coffee, Bacon and eggs some centimiters away.

--Ya pamper me too much-- he said putting the tray on his lap, waffle just besides him and jerico snuggled up to him, Like a child between her parents.

Jer leans against Lucas shoulder as he eats, handing waffle a piece of a....waffle.

-- she can eat that?

-- shes a genetically engenireed dog of course she can--he added.

She raised her brows with a smile-- okay okay fine--Both giggle and kiss-- you should brush your teeth after this okay? You have bad morning breath

He laughs kissing her cheek-- okay

That same night, they had unexpected visitors, the long and big dinner room was perfectly decorated, there were some extra plates, wich jer didnt notice much.

--jerico!-- she freezes at the sound of a familiar voice.

She turns around to find her old four lovers at the door of the dinning room

--jill?! Carlos?! What are you guys doing here?

Lady dimitrescu walks up behind her-- I invited them over, since today its your fourth anniversary with Lucas

She knew her mom didnt do this on purpose, but she couldnt let it slide today.

While eating jer was deadly silent.

Lucas,who sitting Infront of her, took her hand-- are you okay? Youre too quiet

-- well, having to eat dinner with your exes is kinda tough

He nodds squeezing her hand-- you can concentrate on me, its just for Tonight

She nodds and finally smiles-- youre the best husband ever, did I told you that?

He smiles-- all the time hun

Jericos exes smile at the scene, yet a part of them also hurted, how did they let slide someone as wonderfull as her?

Theyd stay the night,and a couple of days more, as they all chattered,except jerico who went to walk with her dog Carlos spoke up.

-- you are one lucky Man, you know that? -- he said drinking from his glas-- everyone of us let her slide, some more than others -- he looked a nikolai who insulted him in russian.

-- well, you guys gave me a tough road-- Lucas said-- Man,she was devastated, she cried Rivers upon rivers-- he noticed the pained expressions of the people around him-- but uhh... we solved it,shes happy now wich is what matters

They nodd-- amen

That night, jerico was soundly asleep, its maybe four am, she wakes up, her throat dry.

Being careful not to wake up Lucas or waffle she opens the door, just like her sisters, jerico could turn into a cloud of insects, and that she did, floating to the kitchen where she transformed into a human again.

With a glass of water in hand she drank from it hearing ball music play in the Background.

Walking to the ballroom she peeks her head into the room, her mom always liked dancing at late hours of the night.

--Mind if I ask you for a dance?-- jill scared the crap out of jer.

-- JESUS! You scared me jill!-- she sighed, to then smile-- yeah of course

Alcina smiled watching her daughter dance,she taught her well.

They moved gracefully across the floor.

When the song ended jill pulled jerico closer.

-- nice dance,partner-- they heard Kevin say in the distance

-- ah thanks-- jerico fixed her clothes-- as much as id like to dance all night, I gotta go, Lucas has to wake up early and im the only one that can get him out of bed, by yall!

She bolted to her room, throwing herself into her bed, Rolling on her side to hug Lucas.

The Next morning jerico heard a soft knock on her door,Jill enters with her breakfast-- hey, hey jer wake up

Jer yawns sitting on the bed-- oh..thanks jill--she sits up looking at the food.

-- whats wrong?

--nothing it just reminds me of when we were togheter

Valentine sighs-- I never apologized did I? Im so sorry , I shouldnt have left you for work, I realized it too late..

Jer hugged her -- its okay, I dont hold it against you

She smiles,--mind if I Keep you company?

-- not at all

During the afternoon, Carlos and her played football on the courtyard--like old times right!

Jer laughs-- this time im kicking your ass Carlos!

--id like to see that!

Both spend an hour or so,then Kevin gaver her a ride to the market since her own Motorcycle was broken.

When she hugged him,the old feelings came back.

-- remember when we used to go and ride around the city? We used to do that all the time!-- kev said.

Jerico laughed-- yeah we did! It was so fun!.

And at night she spend it Reading with nikolai.

The old feelings came back, and she told Lucas this.

-- im not trying to say that you arent enough-- shes been on a tangent for two minutes now.

Her husband kisses her-- jerico calm down, I know what youre trying to say, all I wanna know is, would you be happier if they are with you too? --She nodds hiding her face on his chest-- then so be it, I just want you to be happy remember? I promised you that when I asked you to be my girlfriend..

Jericos now exes were stoked, theyd take her back in a heartbeat.

And Lucas found himself making Friends with them too, specially nikolai who was just as much of an evil genius as he was.

Jill always scolded them both, Kevin joined their misadventures from time to time.

And Carlos was the only one making sure Lady dimitrescu didnt throw them all out.

Things were bound to get interesting and even with the possible Shenanigans that were sure to ensure, jerico wouldnt have it any other way.

[adrrianraines]

can’t speak the language that you need • adrian x mc

sensory prompt #37: the tender ache when you press against bruises.   song inspiration: if i—ross copperman

disclaimer: i wanted angst in that controlled love interest scene. where is it??? where??? so here it is! here’s how i imagined it would have been!! deadass just kidding im crying

YOU STARED BLANKLY up ahead as you zoomed like a phantom of the night in the streets of new york. the sinister look of rheya mouthing confidently that she’ll see you again kept playing inside your head like a badly orchestrated taunt from a cliched horror flick villain on repeat in a broken dvd player.

your hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as the unsuspecting city lights finally came to view. the illuminations and shadows the buildings emanated, the chatter and laughter of citizens going about their day, oblivious and ignorant to everything that’s happening felt nothing short of like a punch in the gut. it was too much that whenever your mind reels back towards the incident, you can feel your chest tighten, stomach churning and bile forming, the raw taste flooding your mouth.

you felt faint. you loathed how the trepidation just won’t go away. you wanted to cry out your frustration for the dire turn of the situation, wanting to desperately pin the blame on someone for the all the anger, fear, hopelessness and disappointment. whenever you blink, vivid images flashes, making you remember how rheya controlled your friends and commanded them against their will—the look of blood lust aimed right at you as bright as a neon paint being splattered on an empty canvas.

then after the rage, you felt nothing but exhaustion, hurt and apprehension as one face particularly struck you the most: adrian.

torment only consumed you further as you came to the most painful realization above everything else:

adrian almost killed you. without hesitation nor remorse.

you recall how terrifying it was to look at the face who showed you nothing but kindness slowly turn to a monster out for your demise. you recall how you stared into his eyes and not recognize the person who owns it. how he looked empty and hallow, like a puppet following its master’s strings. you recall the loss of hope that left a bitter pang when you tried calling out to him, trying to reason with the adrian that you knew, only for it to turn into a futile attempt of puny redemption.

the feeling of panic was lingering, wrapping your well-being like a blanket of breeze on a cold winter night. you blink and you remember the murderous look on his face, the way he bared his fangs at you, the way his hands wrapped around your neck, the sheer desire and craving to hurt you—of wanting your death.

you swallowed hard, millions of thoughts running rampant all at once as you trained your eyes on the road, shoulders tense and shaking. you quickly glanced towards your friends, all worn out and certainly out of it. realizing you drove far enough to be followed, you make a turn towards a dark and decrepit alley, parking the car on a curb. with the look of things, it was ideal to stop and collect yourselves first before proceeding blindly.

when the engine of the car died, you let out a sigh you realized you’ve been holding. you jumped in surprise when you felt someone’s hand on your thigh, the sensation goading a pleasantly unwelcome electric tingle on your skin. you turn to see adrian looking at you with regret and worry, mouth opening and closing at the same time, unable to find the right words to say. the visible flinch you showed because of his touch only made him remove his hand as quickly as it came, as if he just touched a burning flame.

realizing that you can’t look at him directly without remembering his murderous trance, you moved to get out of the vehicle for fresh air. maybe, just maybe, distancing yourself for a bit might be the most ideal thing to do that moment.

with a heavy heart, you marched towards the opposite side of the street as you unconsciously looked for anything to lean on, gaze frantic and unfocused. your breathing hitches and wild flashbacks of the day you died came back to haunt. it was the same amount of fear, a similar sensation, and yet entirely different at the same time.

you barely noticed your surroundings when your legs gave out, your sudden loss of momentum causing you to wobble. the world seemed to stop when you didn’t feel the hard concrete but instead a pair of strong arms wrapped around you, preventing your fall by catching you before you even hit the ground.

a familiar, calming scent wafted your senses which clouded your better judgment. the alluring lull of fierce security felt like loose threads tying itself again. you let out a shaky breath, feeling weak and drained to even struggle against his hold. adrian steadies you in front of him, arms holding you tight, the warmth of his presence both inviting and alarming.

you avoided his gaze as he tries to catch yours, the desperation on his features unparalleled. he remained quiet, as if he’s trying to assess things first before speaking. however, it didn’t take long until he finally got the answer that he was looking for. his eyes trailed your movement when you unconsciously touched your neck, precisely at the part where you felt his vice grip slowly snatching the life out of you.

you grunted at the tender ache that you felt, and he notices it—rather, he sees it vividly, the very product of his weakness. it was like watching a mirror slowly fall down and break to tiny pieces, each glass shattering to a thousand more. you did nothing but watch at how the weight of realization knocked the winds out of his sails with sheer terror washing over his countenance. the sadness and desperation on his face then turned to guilt and rage—not to you, but to himself, to what he did, to what he couldn’t do and to what he realized he was capable of doing. adrian couldn’t believe the depth of violence he caused.

his arms falls flat to his side, going limp and useless. he immediately took a step back, all signs of hope drifting further faster than a raging waterfall. yet under the faint glow of the streetlights, he still looked divine. if this was a normal situation, you would have laughed at yourself with how you’re still capable of such thoughts. however, you can’t even find your voice to speak, let alone bring yourself close to him. you wanted to badly touch him, to comfort him, to tell him it’s going to be okay. but you knew you’d be lying. you froze in place, unable to move, unable to do anything—your own fear becoming the burden you’re carrying.

“adrian... please...” you croaked out, wincing at how your voice was shaking. he shifted to his feet so he can step closer, his unsure movements an indication of his inner battles. his hands hang dead in the air, trying to reach you with words left unsaid. but he stopped midway when you instinctively took a step back. you didn’t know why, or how, but your body just moved. it’s as if it was protecting you from harm, as if it was on instinct, as if it recognized adrian as a threat.

“i did that... didn’t i?” his voice was quiet yet certain. he locked gazes with you before his eyes roamed to your cheeks, your lips, your jaw... and finally, towards your neck. and it was then that you witnessed how this was breaking him as much as it was breaking you as well. your chest clenched at how devastated he looked, how resignation reigned in his features. the color of life finally draining from his orbs—as if all of his nightmares finally came to life.

it shatters you to see how tired adrian looked and how exhausted he seemed, as if his age has finally caught up with him. he looked exposed. lost. vulnerable. helpless. like an empty shell of a man who touched many wars and took many lives. a warrior who was finally drowning from all the sins he committed in his entire lifetime.

“do i still deserve it? your heart...” he pauses and shakes his head. he let out a bitter laugh as his voice proceeds to quiver, then immediately breaks. “no... i... don’t... not anymore.”

and for the first time ever since you’ve met him, he looked defeated.

suffer with me laid ease!! @isabella-choices @dadrianraines @violinet

[bottomlwjrights]

MO DAO ZU SHI REREAD:Thoughts™️....and Stuff

Chapter 46

Okay so nmj is wearing a (very tattered) burial robe in this scene

Of course JingYi volunteered to shout at a corpse

“As soon as he had finished, the headless man spun around and walked in the direction of the Lan Sect’s juniors.” Akbfkfkdjf

Jingyi really freaking out, poor boy

Yeah yikes imagine how scary this would have been for the little Lans 

Wwx said they wouldnt have to keep on walking and his solution was to call out to lwj 

“A few moments later, the soft, flowing note of a xiao sounded amid the night. Closely following it was the limpid reverberation of a string.” Its The twin jades 🥳🥳🥳

ZeWu-Jun 😩😩😩😩

“Lan XiChen’s expression was especially surprised, almost to the point of shocked.” Anyways lxc basically recognized nmj at first glance

Also yeah I completely forgot that nmj grabs Bichen out of the air, which is quite the feat idk how i didn’t remember this

“as soon as the soft, serene tone of the xiao appeared, the corpse’s movement paused. For a moment, he seemed to have stood still and listened, then turned around, as though he wanted to see who was the one playing the music.” Fuck you 😭😭😭😭

It took the combined effort of lwj, lxc, and wwx all playing their instruments to calm him down, and he wasnt even being that aggressive

God lxc defending jgy hurts so much goddamnit

Wwx even said that lxc is refusing to admit that jgy is the most sus person

😬😬😬😬

Chapter 47

Jgy kept the murals of jzx up for some reason

Wwx hopped down to stare at jzx’s murals, which hurt me 

Thinkin about post canon wangxian going to discussion conferences in place of lxc, with wwx all decked out lan style forehead ribbon and all

Jgy remembers little details about people after only meeting them once or twice

Wwx cant help but look at pretty women

God I remember the first time i read this introduction scene of qin su i was so woo’d by how gentle and loving it was

Nhs comes over just in time to prevent jgy from asking lxc whats wrong and what he’s thinking about 

Wwx using his chance to teach jl something AGAIN

“Looks like I can’t keep it from you anymore. That’s right. I’ve fallen for someone else.” Oh the irony 

“Wei WuXian, ‘In the past, I couldn’t understand my own heart, but after I met HanGuang-Jun I’m certain.’ He took in a deep breath, ‘I’m already incapable of leaving him. I don’t want anyone else aside from HanGuang-Jun…’” tHE IRONY

Alnfnckwj jl ran the other way hsndmck

HANGUANG-JUN WAS WATCHING THIS GO DOWN WTF

“...as Lan WangJi gazed at him, he actually felt a subtle sense of shame....” uh...yEaH

“Don’t tell me that Jin GuangYao has no son or daughter, or anyone around his age who’s close to him.” 😬

This scene with the paperman and the forehead ribbon still devastates me

“Do not fool around.” “You must be careful.” Bro im literally gonna 😭

Oh also the little unintentional kiss....

Lan XiChen’s paintings, i would love to see them

Wwx recognized the paintings as lxc’s, which means he’s seen enough of them to recognize his style. Lxc’s painting skill are probably well known, being the First Jade of Lan and the number one most eligible bachelor and all. 

Jgy is smart

“Just what in the world is written in the letter? Jin GuangYao killed someone and dismembered them?” Yeah, actually that’s probably exactly what’s in there and you know it 

Bruh why was it so shocking to find out they’re related when qin su literally said it

“Aside from a desk, an iron table—dark to the eyes, cold to the touch, long enough for a person to lie—was also within the room. There seemed to be black, dried-up traces of something on the surface of the table. Wei WuXian commented in silence, This would be the perfect table to cut someone apart on.”

Jgy talking to nmj’s head creeps me tf out

Did wwx not meet nmj before????

Chapter 48

Wwx said nmj went into seemingly invincible rages during the sunshot campaign

“A while later, his fingers twitched. With downcast eyes, he touched his lips softly. It was very soft indeed, as soft as how the paperman had bumped into them.” this is so Soft....

Lwj pulled wwx into his arms and held his face.....

Nmj is so tall 😍 

I fucking HATE how everyone talks about prostitution in this novel good lord

Man idk how people think of nmj as just an angry man, like he very obviously cares about justice and doing the right thing

Lxc was known as “a powerful trump card” during the ssc

“Although Lan XiChen looked almost exactly the same as Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian could tell them apart with just a glance.” This is cute

Nmj doesnt notice microaggressions

Am i freaking out about lxc saying hes gonna have to stay at nmj’s place for the night? Yes. Yes i am.

“Hearing Nie MingJue praise Lan WangJi’s level of cultivation, Wei WuXian felt a strange surge of happiness, ChiFeng-Zun, what a great eye!”

Getting pissed off once again by how the cultivators treat wwx

Wow lxc even said he’d help convince nmj to let jgy leave to help in the jin sect

Nmj even wrote him a recommendation letter wooooow

Nhs was staying with lxc during the ssc

???? Jgy and Lxc’s meeting was embarrassing and neither OH WAIT WHEN CLOUD RECESSES BURNED

“The three chatted back and forth, at times serious, yet at times light. The conversation was much more relaxed than when they had been in the living room.”

Hate jgs

bRO I FORGOT JGY DID THAT

Um the disciples in the hall are walking on their knees??????

Wowza, what a chapter